Message ID: bfu75d$ilbmb$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am 33 and have been married for three years to "Ben," who is 40. Ben had a vasectomy several years ago. At the time, he didn't believe he would ever marry and had no interest in becoming a father. Ben knew I wanted children, and we discussed the option of reversing his surgery or adopting. He said he was open to either suggestion. However, whenever I bring up the subject, Ben will only say, "If that's what you want."
In the last six months, I have come to the realization that I would very much like to have children. I just don't want to have them with Ben. I don't think he would be an involved father, and he doesn't seem particularly interested in having kids. When I baby-sit for relatives, he usually disappears. When he is around kids, he is short-tempered and acts immature.
I don't want to go through life without having children, but my marriage is not fit for a child. Should I honor my wedding vows and remain childless? Our marriage isn't perfect, but if it weren't for this issue, I think I could be happy. If I leave him, how do I explain it to our families?
-- No Signature in the East
The unwillingness of one partner to have children is a valid reason to terminate a marriage. However, you do not know how Ben would behave with children of his own, nor can you guarantee that you will find what you are looking for with someone else.
You both need to discuss this in greater detail before making any decisions. Ben needs to know how important having children is to you. You need him to promise that he will do his best to be a supportive, involved and caring father. Get counseling if necessary, but work out all the angles before giving up. Good luck.
You may not want to hear this, but Ben made his choice about parenting and children before he met you. Having a vasectomy is about a strong a statement of intent, or in this case non-intent, that a man can make. That said, this is something that you should have realized right from the get go. While we are at it, I would like to rap Ben's knuckles for NOT coming right out and saying "I don't like kids, and I don't want kids" instead of that rather passive aggressive "If that's what you want" which has created false hopes and expectations on your part. From what your letter says, even if he has it reversed AND you manage to conceive, the best you are ever going to get out of him is "uninvolved" as a parent, and as I see the situation unfolding, it will be "uninvolved" as a husband too. Read what you have written: Ben does not like children, he does not like being around them, and not all the counseling in the world is going to change him into a loving and involved parent. It's not going to happen, period.
I think that you should really examine the reasons why you want kids. Quite often people just don't - they acccept the "life script" and never really bother to think of how their lives will change once this "bundle of joy" arrives. Look beyond the "Kodak Moment" for a dose of hard reality: You will have literally years of sleep deprivation, You will be responsible for childcare, because Ben WILL be "uninvolved", of that there is no doubt. Kiss good-bye to any form of spontaneity in your relationship, intimacy will be practically non-existent as exhaustion sets in. Money problems will increase, arguing will increase. even the way Ben acts around children, if you decide that you "can't live without them" and by some way or another have them, you can kiss your marriage good bye, because Ben will, sooner or later, be gone. Is it really worth it?
You say if it weren't for this one issue, you would be happy. Focus on that for a moment, and realize just how good you have it. There are no guarantees in this life - you may be unable to conceive yourself; there is no certainty that you will find a partner with whom you will be this happy and will want children. But if that is what you really want, and can't live without, do yourself, Ben and any potential children you may have a favour - leave this marriage and find another potential sperm donor.
As for what you will tell your families, that is pretty much a non-issue, because it isn't their business. You can tell them what you like, or nothing at all. "Irreconcilable differences" is as good an answer as any.
In the end, it boils down to this: You can have children, or you can have this marriage, but you can't have both.
Childfree Abby