Message ID: bg0o4g$jabmu$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
My husband, "Dan," and I have been married for 10 years. We are childless by choice and happy with our decision. Recently, at a family gathering, Dan's sister put us on the spot by asking us to be the guardians of her two small children should anything happen to her and her husband.
Dan agreed without discussing it with me, and I was furious. The whole thing made me very uncomfortable. We talked it over, and Dan confided that he wasn't comfortable with it either. However, he thinks we shouldn't worry about something that probably won't happen.
Abby, if something DID happen to my sister-in-law and her husband, it certainly wouldn't be the right time to announce that Dan and I had changed our minds about caring for their kids. Dan and his sister come from a large family, so there's no shortage of more qualified candidates.
What should I do? Should I go along with my husband on this or put a stop to it now?
-- RELUCTANT GUARDIAN ON THE EAST COAST
You and your husband MUST tell his sister and her husband that after giving it careful thought, you are unable to make the kind of commitment for which they are asking. Explain that you are honored they asked you, and will make sure the children are provided for -- but you cannot be the primary caregivers.
What happened here is really quite simple. Childed people just can't seem to get it through their heads that some people just.don't.want.children. They don't hate them, they just don't want them. The concept is totally foreign to parents; completely and utterly beyond comprehension. What compounds the situation is that and your husband are probably a great aunt and uncle. What makes you so? The fact that your interaction with these children is limited, finite and at a given time they go back to their parents. You then return to your peaceful childfree existence.
SIL and BIL probably took a look at your existence, and figured that you and your DH had ample time, desire and money to be able to take care of their offspring should anything happen to them. (By the way, it might be interesting to find out what other provisions they have made in the event of their demise - like say, insurance policies to cover the cost of caring and education of these children. They haven't made any? Surprise, Surprise!) The time and place that they chose to spring this on your husband was carefully chosen and wholly unfair - you were not present, it was a public place in the middle of a family gathering. They placed him on the spot in a time and place inappropriate for such a conversation and decision. What your DH should have said is "we will discuss this later, in private, when my wife is present." But, he didn't, and for that he should have his butt royally kicked.
While your husband may be right, it might never happen, but the possibility is there. It is too important a possibility to be left to chance, and some backbone must be displayed here and the sooner the better. Invite them over, preferably sans children, to inform them that upon consideration, you are unsuited to fulfill the role of guardians. Offer to help them with estate and life insurance planning, and promise, if you desire, to play a significant and caring role in the lives of their offspring, but you just aren't parenting material.
ChildFree Abby