Message ID: bg5osh$kqu5h$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I have been married to "Bud" for 17 years, and we have two young children. For the past five years, Bud and I have not had any sexual relationship at all. I stay home with the children, but if I need clothes or incidentals, Bud expects me to earn the money by helping at his office. Meanwhile, he buys himself anything he wants. I have been unhappy for a long time, but decided I should stay with Bud for the children's sake.
Two months ago, I found a message for Bud on the answering machine from a woman who had called in the middle of the night, begging him to please phone her. When I asked Bud about it, he claimed he didn't know who the woman was. I did a little investigating and discovered the caller was an old girlfriend whom Bud had been seeing just before he met me.
I have phone records and e-mails showing that Bud has been in touch with this woman for months. I confronted him with my proof, and he admitted that he is in contact with her but insists they are just friends. I suspect a lot more is going on besides friendship. Frankly, I can no longer stand to look at him.
Bud wants us to get counseling, but I don't know if it's worth it. This is a man who has a great deal to lose financially if we divorce. I believe that is the only reason he wants to stay married, since he hasn't touched me or had a decent conversation with me in years. What do you say?
-- Counseling or Divorce in Indy
Go for counseling. You need to be sure you are making the right decision. Bud sounds like a lost cause to us, but it is possible the counselor will help him understand the need to be more attentive, verbally and emotionally. It's certainly worth trying, for the children's sake, before you throw in the towel.
Welcome to the downside of being a SAHM. I'm sure that there are any number of people out there who will congratulate you for doing "the most important job in the world". However, you may have noticed that it comes with a price. Your husband has lost interest in you - you haven't had sex or a decent conversation in years. Why? Well, for the first years you may have been "Too tired" or too wrapped up with every aspect of child rearing to the exclusion of everything else - including your husband. As for a decent conversation, when was the last time you had something to say what didn't involve your kids? There is a whole world out there beyond diaper changing, and I think you've lost it. Have you forgotten that you have a role beyond Mommy in this relationship? You were, at one time, your husband's wife, lover and partner. What are you now, oh Changer of Diapers and wiper of noses?
As for your husband making you "help out at his office" to earn some money for yourself. There are two ways of looking at it, one the way you did (It's not faaaaairrr) or you can look at it as a nudge for you to gain some respect for yourself. In days gone by, farm women were envied by their city sisters because they traditionally had the "egg money" or the "cream money". In other words, a little money for themselves for which they didn't have to ask their husbands. Or maybe it was a desperate plea for you to get a little involved in his life and see him as something beyond a "walking wallet"? You may feel isolated, but you can bet your butt your husband does too. (One thing you may not have considered - the man who plays around at the office, certainly doesn't want his wife hanging around there.)
Counselling may work, but my esteemed counterpart seems to focus on only what Bud has to do - be more attentive, etc. etc. But what are YOU going to do? He has shown a willingness at least to try something - You, on the other hand, are pouting.
Get. Off. The. Cross. We need the wood.
You are neither a saint nor a martyr. You have a responsibility to yourself, to your husband and to your marriage. Take a class, get a job, get some mental stimulation, do SOMETHING to regain at least a little of the woman that you once were. Maybe this marriage can be saved, but even if it does not, getting some education or a job certainly won't do you any harm if it can't.
ChildFree Abby