Dealing With The Outlaws

03 August 2003

Message ID: bgj303$ojolu$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de

Dear Carolyn:

My wife's parents don't have very good communication skills, and while they try to be helpful, they usually end up just saying things that upset my wife. For example, we both need to lose weight, which we are fully aware of and working on. But rather than say something encouraging, they tell my wife, "Junior needs to have both his parents around." They have an obsession about weight; when my wife was growing up, they made her and her sister weigh in every week and charted their weights on the refrigerator.

And they are very critical about everything -- how we take care of our baby, how we keep the house, how we eat, how we spend money, etc. But they only say things to my wife when I'm not around so I never get a chance to stand up to them. My wife tries to, but they are very persistent and just beat her down on things.

So how can I approach them and tell them to knock off this crap? They're usually on their best behavior when I'm around, so I'm not sure how I can bring it up, or even if I should.

-- Hate My In-Laws

Nice bookend to the it's-not-family-it's-communication question, because: These aren't bad communication skills, this is a toxic family. Holy bleep. Weigh ins? It sounds as if your wife is carrying around major parental baggage -- the excess lbs. being neatly symbolic -- and, more important, might not be aware of its full effect on her.

She needs to stand up to her parents for her own health as well as the baby's, and if she needs counseling for that, you didn't hear it from me because I've reached my therapy-referral maximum today.

Dear Hate my In-Laws

While this is not a truly "childfree" issue, CF Abby thought she would throw in her own 2 cents worth.

It has always confused me (and yes, I have been guilty of it too) why people accept behaviors from "family" that they would not accept from "friends". Abuse is abuse is abuse.

First accept two things:

1) Your inlaws are not "trying to be helpful".
2) They do not have poor communication skills, they are communicating what they want to communicate very well, thank you. Namely that they see you and wife as "unacceptable" and that they are control freaks.

What do you do? Well, yes, therapy would be helpful for your wife, but it's time for some major intervention for the both of you and to take back some control. Namely, set your boundaries, and change the rules:

1) Do not invite them into your home. Your home is your refuge, and should not be violated by people who do not treat you with respect and courtesy.

2) Meet them, if you must, in their home, or some public place. That way, when they start in, you can stand up and say "we must be going now" and then do so.

3) If they phone, and they start to cross the boundries - discontinue the conversation - in any way you choose: "I have to go now" or just simply hang up.

4) Be prepared for a rough ride, because once you and your wife start making changes in yourself, even if they are changes for the better, you are forcing them to make changes in the way they respond to you because the old buttons they used to push do not yield the old and familiar reactions. They will fight like hell to push you back. However, be advised that saying "I refuse to be treated in this manner" is both liberating, empowering and well worth the effort.

You cannot change your inlaws, only they can do that. However, you can change the way you react to them. That way, if they want contact with you, they will have to behave within the parameters that you have set.

Childfree Abby