Message ID: bh5jiu$ue45k$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I hope you will print this letter to my ex-husband, who abandoned his daughter when she was 4 years old:
Dear Ex: You were privileged to watch our wonderful daughter get married after not contacting her for 16 years. You say she grew up to be so sweet, pretty and gracious. How would you know how she grew up? You were not there. You didn't even send birthday cards.
Where were you when you promised to visit and never showed up? Where were you on those long nights in the emergency room when she had ear infections? Where were you when she took her first step, kissed her first boyfriend? Where were you with the child support when she was struggling to pay for college? What kind of relationship do you expect now, when you were never a part of her life?
When I started this letter, I was angry. Now I feel only pity for you. You didn't want or need us, yet we are the ones who have rich lives filled with love and family. You donated a sperm, and I gained a daughter.
-- Proud Mother
We hope all divorced parents are reading this and learning something. Thanks for writing.
Pardon me while I do not make obeisance before you as you stand garbed in your saintly robes firmly esconced on your "moral high ground". There is a lesson to be learned here, and I don't quite think it is the one that you intend.
It has often been said that every child should be a wanted child, by both its parents. Yours is a classic example of what happens when one of the party has baby rabies while the other, to say the least, is less than enthused at the prospect. One sees it all the time when one, usually the wife, gets into the 'WANNAHAVABABY! GOTTAHAVABABY! WANNAHAVABABY RIGHT NOW!" state of mind and becomes so singularly focused on that goal to the exclusion of all else, such as the wants, needs, desires of her partner. If she does notice that her husband is lukewarm, if not outwardly hostile to the idea, the wife usually justifies her stance with "he'll love the baby once it's here". Another possiblity is a relationship has run its course and is eroding away, and someone, again usually the female, gets the brilliant idea of "a baby will make it all better!".
Both of these scenarios fly in the face of logic and reason, and the only thing that they do is create three miserable people where before there were two.
Given the fact that your former husband departed for parts unknown when your daughter was four, regardless of the scenario under which it happened, it is safe to judge that he was, at best, unprepared and unequipped to be a father. I don't think he developed those traits overnight, and I do believe they were present before you got pregnant. Yet you chose (and I do say "you" because 20 years ago, reliable birth control of all sorts was readily available) to have this child.
Your letter of so-called pride teems with bitterness and anger, regardless of what you have written. You bring up the "golden moments" that he missed. Honey, there is no evidence whatsoever that missing those moments impacted his life in any way whatsoever, however much you would like to think that they did. If he had wanted to have been there, he would have been there. Does he regret not being there? Facts are not in evidence. Some people do not think "butterfly kisses" are worth it.
Yes, your daughter was robbed by not having a father in her life. However, before that she was shortchanged by you, who put your own selfish wishes to have a child before your child's need to be raised in a loving environment by TWO parents who wanted her.
Childfree Abby