My Boyfriend Thinks I'm A Nag

16 August 2003

Message ID: bhlmif$q44i$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de

Dear Amy:
I am four months pregnant and single. My boyfriend (the baby's father) is very supportive, but he is unemployed. I have a good job, so his not working is not my main concern. What's bugging me is that he was laid off nearly two years ago and has had very sporadic side jobs here and there. He has been able to survive only because he lives at home with his parents. He's 31.

I live alone and have been on my own since college. Now that the baby is coming he knows that he has to get in gear and either find a job or enroll in school.

I've tried to be supportive and have helped him by finding open jobs for him, giving him information on grad school programs and financial aid. He tells me he wants to get his life in order, but his actions don't reflect this. He sleeps until 11 or 12 each day but then tells me has been looking for work. I'm wondering whether or not I should give him an ultimatum or should I step away from the situation. I love him very much, and he is truly a great person.

Is there is a better approach that I should be taking, one that makes me seem less like a nag?

-- Confused mother to be

Dear Confused:
Nags aren't born, they're created. And if it would work, I'd say, nag away. Your boyfriend doesn't need an ultimatum from you. Life just handed him one. I'm glad you're self-supporting, because it seems to me that you're going to be supporting this child as a single parent.

Of course, he is legally as well as morally bound to share the responsibility of this child with you, so he is going to have to find a job and keep it so he can help with the bills. Graduate school doesn't sound like a wise choice for a 31-year-old man who still lives with mom and dad and has a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. Becoming a dad is no guarantee that your guy will become a man, but for your sake, I sure hope he does.

Dear Confused
Let me get this straight - you are four months pregnant by an able bodied 31 year old guy who lives with his parents and hasn't held down a steady job in 2 years. He has made no real attempt to "get his act together" in all that time and he lies to you about looking for a job. You say he has been "supportive", but what exactly has he been supporting? And how is he likely to support any child you have? He may be legally and morally responsible to do so, as my counterpart says - but in actual practice, that means squat. Believe me, being considered a nag right now is the least of your problems. Give your head a shake: this guy has all the ambition of fungus.

Buttercup, what were you thinking? That "being a father" would motivate him? The only thing that is going to motivate this guy is dynamite. You don't even have the threat of throwing him out to get him to move his lazy carcass. What colour is the big "L" in the middle of his forehead? Let me give you a clue - that "L" doesn't stand for Lover. While you are at it, take a look in the mirror - that "S" you see doesn't stand for Sweetheart.

You are headed for single parenthood - no ifs, no buts and no maybes, because Mr Born Tired isn't going to be of any help to you. You will be saddled with the sole responsibility of supporting and caring for this child, so say goodbye to any hopes and dreams you might happen to have. If you wish to avoid this fate, you have a choice: dump this slug, and get to an abortion clinic NOW or put it up for adoption once it gets here.

Good luck, kiddo, you are going to need it.

Childfree Abby