Triple Shot

20 August 2003

Message ID: hlfx24-79.ns.sympatico.ca

DEAR ABBY:
I am 14 and ready to have a baby. My boyfriend, "Matt," is 16 and says he is ready, too. You should see how sweet and considerate he is around children. As soon as Matt gets his car fixed, we are leaving New Jersey and not looking back. Before we go, I'd like to know what you think, Abby. Do you think I am ready to have a baby and raise it?
-- A.M. IN N.J.

DEAR A.M.:
Babies are a full-time job because they are completely dependent. You and Matt would be doing your future children a huge favor if you both complete your educations and become financially stable before embarking on this "project."

I have long urged women to be financially independent before having children. Matt may be a terrific young man, but what would happen to you and the baby if something were to happen to him? Before leaving New Jersey and not looking back, please read the next letter:

Dear 14,
Let me ask you something, have you ever been totally responsible for the care and well being of anything? A Cat? A Dog? A Goldfish? How about a houseplant? And that means more than checking the food dish and having Dad walk the dog when the weather is lousy. I mean completely and totally responsible.

My guess is that you haven't.

You say you are ready to have a baby and so is he. How so? Does he have a job? Any prospects for one? Own anything beyond a car that isn't running? Where are you going to live? How are you going to feed yourselves.. and a baby? Have you thought about that? If you have a baby now, you *will* be poor for the rest of your life, though that is a rather difficult concept for you to grasp right now.

Being poor sucks - no money for make up, movies, anything fun. Not that you will be able to go anywhere, someone has to take care of the kid *all the time* and it's going to be you. Matt may be "good with kids now" but you can bet that once he gets a dose of having a kid around 24/7 that keeps him from hanging with his friends, you won't see him for dust. You will be poor, uneducated, tied to a brat that won't stop squalling and ALONE.

But hey! you don't want to hear that, do you? What you want to hear is "yes, go ahead you are ready for it. Have a baby who will be cute as an over grown doll and loooooooove you forever. You and Matt will be in looooooove forever, you will ride off into the sunset in his car (once he has it running) and never look back.

If you won't listen to me, at least listen to girls in whose shoes you want to walk.

DEAR ABBY:
I am 16 years old and have a 5-month-old daughter. I thought her father and I would be together forever, but I was wrong. I was in love with him for more than two years.

My problem is, I can't seem to find a boyfriend who is right for me. Some boys don't mind that I have a baby, but all they want to do is go out with their friends. After a long day of feeding, changing and taking care of my daughter, I want someone at home to comfort ME. Is there anything wrong with that?

-- LOVESICK IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOVESICK:
Of course not. It's understandable. Mothers need nurturing, too.

Dear Lovesick:
You are 16 years old with a 5 month old daughter, and your problem is that you can't find a boyfriend? Honey.. you have a hell of a lot things to worry about than that, and finding a boyfriend is the least of them. But, I will address your problem anyway:

The odds of finding a boyfriend of your age who doesn't want to go out with their friends are slim to remote. "Not minding you have a baby" and wanting to hang around at home all the time comforting a girlfriend with a kid in tow are two very radically different things, and seldom do the twain ever meet. They want a girlfriend with whom they can have fun - not a mommy who is tied down.

You may not like it, but this is the life you have chosen for yourself. By choosing to get pregnant, and choosing to keep this child you have propelled yourself into the adult realm, with all the responsibilities thereof. And that means, care for your child, finding some way to support both it and yourself, and the end of all the "good times" that your peers enjoy. You still have some choice though - you can put the child up for adoption and give yourself a second chance. See that you don't screw it up. If you don't, well, Bed. Made. Lie.

DEAR ABBY:
I am 19 and more mature than many teenagers my age. I have to be, since I am more than eight months pregnant. The baby's father, "Rob," and I are engaged and have been since before we conceived. Rob is also 19, but not as mature as I am. He still wants to go out with his friends, which is fine because we are both young. However, he doesn't understand that we must find free or inexpensive activities because our money needs to go toward baby things -- clothes, blankets, diaper service, etc. I think Rob neglects me emotionally because he is scared of growing up. I think he may even be in denial that I am pregnant.

Abby, I have prayed about this and believe that Rob and I are meant to be together. I know he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if we met too soon in life.

Do you think we should take a short break from each other? I can't ask my family because they don't like Rob, and Rob's parents don't like me. Any suggestions?

-- E.W. IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR E.W.:
Before "taking a break" from your boyfriend, consult a lawyer regarding child support and custody issues. A short break could become a long one if the father of this child is deeply enough into denial. Please don't wait. You're already eight months along. Make that call today.

Dear E.W.
If you were that mature you wouldn't be pregnant.

Rob probably is in denial about this pregnancy, and you, like many teen moms, are in denial about this relationship. He doesn't want to see his life circling the drain, being pulled under by the weight of baby crap. You don't want to see that it's over and that you will be raising this child ALONE and probably in poverty.

Life isn't fair, and your dream a la "rose covered cottage" won't come true. You can't "make him grow up". And as much as you "LOOOOOVE" him, he is disassociating himself from you, and finding a way, however cowardly, to ease himself out of your life.

So, in the meantime, you have to take a hard look at yourself - are you capable, financially, emotionally, and psychologically to raise this child alone? Child Support? You assume he is going to have anything to contribute. Custody? He's not going to want it. And now you have some choices to make, and they will effect the rest of your life, and that of your child. Don't screw them both up.

As Childfree Abby, I can offer all the advice in the world to these girls, but most of the time, it's like trying to close the barn door after the horse has long since fled. I believe that every teen who is even contemplating having a baby should read them. If anything, the above tales of woe only portray the mildest of problems concerned with teen motherhood. Fact is, Teen boys - I can't yet call them men - may have real feelings for you, but they fade in the light of the cold hard reality of impending fatherhood. Not to mention the ones who will lie, cheat and say anything you want to hear in order to get into your pants. It's not fair, but since YOU are the one who gets pregnant, and your body that will become stretched and swollen, and YOU who will be mostly responsible for the care of any child as a result, and you who will probably live in grinding povert as a result. YOU are the one who has to make sure there are some precautions in place. It is YOUR LIFE that is on the line.

Abstinence as a policy doesn't work. Access to and nonjudgemental information about birth control does. Use it. Make him wear a condom, find some protection for yourself. Above all, get a clue.