Message ID: bi8600$6bt0o$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
My girlfriend, soon to be fiance, has a sister who has the life -- her husband works and she stays home with the kid. My girlfriend has started hinting that she wants the same life when we have children. Well, I do pretty well for myself, but she is trying to get me to get a better job and more money, which I wouldn't mind, but jobs are slim in my field. Plus, I like where I work. I don't want her to worry throughout our marriage that I don't make enough. What can I do to relieve her of this stress?
-- Need Advice
Please ask her to say what she wants. Better, urge her. Beg her. Persuade her that it's a matter of soon-to-be-spousal respect. Promise you'll reward her for it by being open-minded and fair, since two grown-ups are better than one.
Not that speaking up means she'll get what she wants. You like your job and your prospects aren't great to do better. But openness lets you say that and weigh a possible compromise. And, it allows you to explain that marrying you is a good idea if she wants you, and a bad one if she wants her sister's husband.
And, it lets you flag her down before she drives all the way to Delusionopolis. Being a stay-at-home parent isn't such a pat, man-gives-money, woman-receives-bliss transaction. It's a dense network of compromises that's different for every couple, but usually features some combination of leaner budgets, scant adult conversation, mutual underappreciation, pee, vomit, cheese, sacrifices neither of you ever predicted and serious greener-grass envy. It's not for the faint of voice.
Well, at least she told you about this before you got married and spawned. She aspires to be a Stay At Home Moo. How fast can you get your track shoes on, dude?
Not to put too fine a point on it, but what colour is the sky in her world? I don't see reality playing a large role in her perspective, and her rose coloured glasses have become welder's goggles.
Her idea of wedded bliss is to be at home, a la bon bons, kept in the style of which she would like to become accustomed. You, of course, will have a starring role as a walking wallet. If by some utterly insane chance you agree to this travesty, your ideas and needs will be damned, the satisfaction that your job gives dwindle into insignificance - before her desire to vegetate at home and sprog. You can look forward to constant fighting about money as her "needs" grow - larger house, private schools and the latest kindercrap for the kid(s), gas guzzling SUV Moomobile. You can also look forward to seeing the woman that you fell in love with vanish into a sea of disposable diapers.
Let her pursue her dream and attempt to find a "Daddy Warbucks" as a partner. And you, get while the getting is good.
Childfree Abby