Message ID: biqa58$c78h2$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I have a wonderful, loving mother who raised me on her own. I live across the country from her and try to visit at least three times a year. During our last phone conversation, Mom made it clear that her best friend's daughter calls her mother "all the time," and she resents that I "never call."
Annie, I talk to my mother once a week for an hour at a time. I explained to her this was all I could manage, but she retorted with, "Well, nice talking to you," and hung up.
Mom often will take a pleasant conversation and turn it into an emotional nightmare when she does not get her way. She is capable of holding a conversation for hours on end. I try to be a good daughter, but my days also are devoted to a son, a full-time job, graduate school and a husband who also works long hours.
My mother will never understand my point of view. Should I give in to her demands for daily, hour-long phone calls and have my emotional energy sapped?
-- Exhausted in Virginia
You need a compromise. Mom misses you, and those calls mean a lot to her. When you don't phone, she feels neglected and unimportant. The calls need not be an hour long. After 15 minutes, say, "Mom, I have to run now, but I love you, and I'll call you tomorrow." Then hang up. If you can afford the phone bills, 15 minutes out of your day for a "loving mother who raised you on her own" is not too much to ask. If long-distance is a problem, make it three times a week.
I really think I have to point something out here: Your first line: "I have a wonderful, loving mother who raised me on her own." And further on: "Mom often will take a pleasant conversation and turn it into an emotional nightmare when she does not get her way".
To put it mildly, there is some real dissonance going on here, or, to put it another way; your mother is sending you on a guilt trip, and you are packing your bags. Your mother seems to be engaging in a bit of "one upmanship" with her best friend and dragging you into it. Apparently, her friend's daughter calls her "all the time". What does that mean, really? You realize that a lot of people would call your weekly hour long phone calls "all the time" too. It really is all a matter of perspective.
One thing your mother cannot seem to accept is the fact that she is not the center of your universe - you are an adult, you have adult responsibilities: job, graduate school and your family. What you have is a life, and your mother needs to get one too. She is acting like a child with a temper tantrum, and like a child, she will keep up this behavior as long as it keeps getting her what she wants. What do you do with a child in this situation? You deny it an audience, and your mother is no different. You are not obligated to have daily hour long emotionally draining conversations with her. What my esteemed counterpart doesn't seem to grasp is that Drama Queens can be as emotionally draining in 15 minutes as they can in an hour. If your mother complains about how little you call her, you can always call her less. If she gets on her emotional bandwagon, hang up.
Set your boundaries, and stick to them.
ChildFree Abby