Message ID: bivh4s$dhtoe$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am 25 and have been married for three years. For the past few months, I've been seriously considering starting a family. My husband wants to wait until we've traveled more and are more "financially stable." My problem with this is that we haven't traveled yet, and we're both in secure jobs, putting money away.
I don't know when or if anyone is ever fully prepared for a child. I don't live in a fantasy world where I believe everything will be a bed of roses. I expect sleepless nights, endless worry and expenses, less quality time with my husband, the terrible 2s through 20s and the end of weekend partying.
I want to move on with our lives. I've talked with my husband and always hear the same thing -- wait. I want each of my children (we both want two or three depending on how we're handling two) to be about 2-3 years apart in age, and I don't want to be having children into my mid-to-upper 30s. Can you help me out?
-- Challenged Over Children
Well, I could lend you a teenager for a weekend and see if your plans change.
You might think it's a shame that your husband isn't adhering to your timetable, but remember, he gets to have a timetable too. There are two of you in this decision process, and I can't come up with ways to help sell your husband on the idea, except to urge you to stop doing the math. Your calculations -- about the number of children you want to have, the amount in your bank account and your ideal age for pregnancy and child rearing -- are thoughtful and probably accurate. But please relax!
The reasons your husband cites for not wanting to have a baby right now could be a way of saying that he's just not ready. Maybe he doesn't feel like a grown-up yet, or maybe he's worried that he won't be any good at fatherhood. Pushing him isn't going to make the process go any faster, so I'm wondering if you can back off a bit, book an adventurous trip for the two of you to take on your next vacation, and have a philosophical, non-specific, non-panicky conversation about parenthood while you're there.
Do not bug him on a monthly basis when you happen to be ovulating, OK? Men have biological clocks, too, but his might be on daylight-saving time.
You are indeed challenged. Challenged by the notion that life must follow a certain script that must be met by a certain schedule, in order for you to have what you consider to be your "ideal life". That, dear Challenged, is your fantasy world. As a matter of fact, as I look at your "life plan" and the way you have it calculated, I would say that it's bordering pretty close on obsession. Your husband obviously does not share that schedule, and for whatever reason is not ready for parenthood; that's fair and you don't have the right to force him. In fact, your harping on it may well drive him away. Maybe he doesn't relish the thought of the sleepless nights, endless worry and misery that you seem to look forward to, and no one can blame him for that.
You may want to consider this - your husband may be choosing a rather passive way of saying "I don't want children". This is cowardly and dishonest on his part, and by extension unfair to you. However, it is also a very real possibility, and as such, should be addressed. It is time to place the cards on the table here for the both of you. He may not want children, or may upon consideration of the whole view of parenting decided that it isn't for him. Before any more time is wasted, and unreal expectations raised, it's time to clear the air.
Childfree Abby
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