Message ID: bj8sd7$gmi9h$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am 40, my husband is 49, and we knew from the time that we got married that we did not want to have children. We've stuck to our convictions in spite of comments from others, including our family, that we are being selfish.
My best friend, Beth, has been my "soul sister" almost since we met about eight years ago. She always said she and her husband didn't want kids.
But four months ago, she told me she was pregnant. I'm trying hard to be happy for her, but instead I'm miserable.
Through the years, I've never been able to successfully maintain a close relationship with any friend after she has had a baby. It seems that as soon as that baby is born, all the qualities that made my friend so interesting disappear, she loses her own identity, and our friendship goes down the drain quickly.
It hurts me to think about this happening with Beth, and I'm feeling very lonely about this. I know that once she gives birth, she won't have much time to devote to our friendship. I find myself feeling jealous of a baby that isn't even born yet!
My mother passed away two years ago. If it wasn't for me, she would have died alone and lonely because I was the only surviving family member she had. Because my husband is several years older than I am and we have no nieces or nephews, I'm afraid that I will spend my so-called golden years widowed and alone, without anyone who cares about me, all because I was too "selfish" to have kids while I had the chance.
How can I stop feeling jealous of Beth's baby and also stop fearing my own future as I age?
-- Feeling Friendless
I hate to pile on here, I really do, but you know you do sound a little selfish. Not because you don't want to share your own life with a child, but because you don't seem to want your friends to, either.
New mommies do become thoroughly absorbed in their babies, to the exclusion of many other things. But whether your best pal gets married, moves across the country for her career, or suddenly ups and gets pregnant, long-term friends accept changes in each other's lives, even when it means that the friendship has to change too.
I'm assuming that since you're an only child, friendships might be more intense for you than for people with siblings. And since your mother is gone, you need a lot from all of your relationships. But just because you haven't had kids, please don't fast-forward all the way through your future to a vision of yourself dying alone. Offspring don't guarantee parental happiness or old-age comfort to lonely widows. And don't assume a friendship will end just because it's going through a transition.
I hope you'll continue to look for relationships with people you have a lot in common with -- childlessness would be a criterion. And talk all this through with your husband; you've left him off to the side here and I'm thinking he might be able to help.
I disagree with my esteemed counterpart. I do not think you are being jealous, but I do think you are grieving for a friendship that may fall by the wayside. You may not lose it entirely, but you can bet your boots that it will not be the same, or that you will not be able to share the same things as you used to share. The relationship will not be as close as it was, and to maintain this relationship will take the work of both of you. If your friend chooses not to do her share towards maintaining the relationship, then you cannot carry it alone. And your friend must give it some importance in her life too.
How do you stop fearing a lonely old age? First, hie thee to the closest senior citizens' or nursing home. Talk to the staff, talk to the people who live there. Find out, how many of them have children? When was the last time they saw their children? The results may surprise you. 1) people are more transient these days, and it's very probable that their offspring may live continents away. 2) even if they don't it's no guarantee that their kids love them enough to visit, or even want to make the effort. And given the current trend of "indulged children" it's probable that few in this generation will have enough empathy with anyone else even to make the effort if there is "nothing in it for them", so to speak.
There are recent studies that prove the "lonely old age without children" to be a myth. And let us not forget the famous Ann Landers survey in the 70's that asked "if you could do it all over again - would you have had children?" and the response was over 75% "NO".
Celebrate your life, Friendless, cultivate new people, rejoice in the knowledge that you can explore new avenues of experience that your friend has chosen to turn away from. The world is, as they say, your oyster. And remember, what a lot of people call "selfish" stems from veiled envy - that you can do things at a moment's notice that they must forgo entirely. Therefore, any alternative from their "noble self sacrifice" must be tarred with the brush of "selfishness". Look beyond, Friendless, secure in the knowledge that you made the right choice for yourself.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/