Message ID: bjja26$j9nmu$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I have three daughters. Six years ago, my middle daughter came to my house early one Saturday and said that she was no longer related to me and that I was never to contact her or her family again. She lives nearby and keeps in slight contact with her younger sister, but I have not seen my grandkids for this long. They have expressed a desire to see me, but I understand she forbids this.
I have a close friend who is a Lutheran minister who has offered to talk to her, but I do not want a go-between. I have written her and all her offspring out of my will and all of their pictures have been removed from my home.
Now my question is should anyone make an attempt to cement some of this family again or should we all go on like this? Our family is accustomed to letting things age, but I am in my 70s and how long can this keep aging?
The daughter who is estranged is in therapy for depression and has changed to a far out religion.
-- Upset
Family estrangements aren't like fine wines -- they don't "age" well. And though I can tell that you're so upset by this, I don't think you'd be asking me this question if you didn't already think you needed to try to promote some healing here.
I hope you understand that your daughter's desire to cut off all ties with you might be the result of her depression or because of pressure from this religious group she's joined. If that is so, please rise above your wounded feelings to try to get her some help.
Take up your minister-friend's offer to mediate this rift. You're lucky to have someone close to you willing to get involved and who probably has the skills to help.
The thing about estrangements and what my esteemed counterpart seems to miss, is that *NO One* gets up one fine morning and says "Gee, it's a lovely day, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, I think I will cut off all ties with my Mother, and forbid my children ever to see her." In short, there is much more to this than meets the eye. Such actions are not lightly taken, and not without good reason, at least in the view of the person who takes them. And, the person to whom they are directed might be well advised to take a long hard look in the mirror.
The impression I have of your letter is that it displays about as much warmth as Innuvik in mid January, and all the empathy of that paragon of human kindness, Torqumada. To paraphrase my counterpart; I hope you realize that your daughter's depression might be rooted in her relationship with you, and cutting ties might be the only way she can free herself from a toxic relationship. As for the religion she has chosen, it may give her the comfort and support that she needs. I note that you never mentioned what religion it is, is it because you don't know, don't care, or feel that any religion outside of what you believe in is "far out"?
Yes, I do believe that your minister friend should offer to mediate, the experience might be enlightening for everyone involved. But be advised, facades crack, skeletons in the closets rattle, and may reveal a lot more than you had intended.
Childfree Abby
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