Message ID: bk9i8u$qdcbm$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
My unmarried niece gave birth to a little girl last month. Earlier in her pregnancy, her family sent out invitations for a baby shower. Since she lives several states away, I sent a monetary gift and received a lovely thank-you note in return.
I was later quite surprised to learn that the baby was given up for adoption. Is it appropriate to have a shower when the baby is to be given up for adoption? If this was a last-minute decision, should I not have been sent a note of explanation? I do not wish my gift returned, I just feel as if I should have been informed.
As a matter of family news, Miss Manners agrees that you should have been informed, but you seem to relate this courtesy to your contribution to the shower. That is a mistake: The baby was born, you gave her a present and you were graciously thanked.
Now -- could we not look too closely into the question of whether there should have been a shower? The decision about adopting might have been made subsequently, as you realize. But even if not, perhaps your niece simply craved this small ritual and wanted to send the child off with things from her family. Miss Manners is not able to begrudge her that.
May Childfree Abby inquire as to the source of your discomfiture? You say you should have been informed that the child had placed up for adoption. May we know why? Did you harbour any good intentions to offer support - financial, physical, emotional to the new mother and child?
No?
Ah well, then Abby feels that you should applaud your niece's brave decision to give the child up to people who could offer it more than she could. No doubt, given the current trend to glorify the "single mother" - who is usually little more than a child herself - without education, or any means to support herself and her offspring than the government dole, she faced tremendous pressure not to do so.
As my counterpart pointed out, the baby was born, you gave her a present, and you were graciously thanked. You claim you do not want the gift returned. That being the case, what exactly is your problem?
She may have made this choice after the shower. Why did she choose not to broadcast the event? Several reasons come to mind, the first being the tremendous social pressure to keep the baby regardless of her circumstances. These attitudes confuses Abby, as a woman who abuses, exploits, and murders her children is oft proclaimed by the media as well as neighbours and friends to be "a good mother". While a woman who, for whatever reason, realizes that she is unsuited to parenthood, and gives up her child is seen as almost criminal. Your niece may have wished to avoid this, and Abby certainly cannot blame her.
In short, Gentle Reader, accept this with good grace, because truly this is none of your business. Though, if you want to gain points, a short note of support to your niece in her difficult decision would be probably be a very welcome gesture.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/