Message ID: bks6b6$4mqkg$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I have three sons, and we always were close to my parents. When Dad died, we helped Mom a lot. Two years ago, Mom became upset with our son, "Ryan," because he didn't have time to help her with something. Ryan was then working full time and going to school. He asked Mom if she could find someone else to do the work. She became upset, and words were exchanged. For a while, the tension was awful, but I saw them hug at a family gathering and assumed things were settled. I was wrong.
Ryan is getting married soon, and Mom refuses to come to the wedding. I have asked her to reconsider and have prayed that she will change her mind, but it hasn't worked. I sent her a letter last week, and offered to provide transportation and pay for her hotel room and meals, but I haven't heard back.
Mom attended all her other grandchildren's weddings, even the ones out of state. My nephew is getting married two weeks after Ryan, and I know she will be at that one. I'm just sick about this. I wake up at night depressed. I would get down on my knees to beg her, but I know it won't help. What can I do?
-- Hurting Mother
Dear Hurting:
We have a hard time understanding grandparents who seem to go out of their way to hold grudges and build animosity. Here's a last-ditch effort: Ryan should visit his grandmother in person, if possible, and apologize for any unkind words he may have directed at her. He should then tell her he loves her and that it means a great deal to him to have her at his wedding. If she still cannot forgive him, there is nothing more you can do, but Grandma should understand that she is creating a rift that may never heal.
From:
Annie's Mail Box
"Grandma creating a rift that may never heal"
Published September 24, 2003
Life is about choices and your mother has made hers. She seems to be one of the people who think the world revolves around her, and that everyone should drop anything they are doing to attend to her wishes. Who, may I ask, died and made her Empress? She does not seem to understand that people have other priorities besides her and has chosen to take an "I'm sorry but I don't have time for such and such, can you find someone else to do it" as a personal slight. If, as you say, your family is that close, it would have taken no effort at all to pick up the phone and call someone else if it was something that really, really needed to be done. But no, she decided that she wanted X to be done, and no one but Ryan would do it. And Surprise, Surprise, Ryan has a life and responsibilities of his own. Her next choice was to make a mountain out of the proverbial molehill.
Granted, words were said, but the olive branch was extended, and on the surface accepted. It should have been the end of the story, but your mother has made another choice - to bear a grudge over a triviality. (She really likes being the center of attention, doesn't she?) She wants you, your son, everyone to grovel at her feet. You have already obliged her. Now she has another choice - she can get over it, or she can look like an ass.
So far, it looks like the latter, but that is, again, her choice. Proceed without her, and have a spectacular time. If your mother chooses to make her self look like a spiteful and vindictive old bag - so be it.
Childfree Abby - offering an alternate view
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/