Message ID: bkur8l$69co7$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I've been married for 17 years and have three children between 7 and 14 years old. My husband, "Rob," is a very nice man -- friendly, easygoing, good-looking, a wonderful dad, makes a good living, etc.
However, he's always been very unemotional and has a hard time dealing with my emotions. I knew this from the beginning, but I thought I loved him and thought I could deal with it.
Over the years, though, I became more and more unhappy, and Rob didn't want to hear about it -- he would tell me he couldn't deal with my emotions and I should just keep them in check. Well, you can guess what comes next -- I met a man at a class I was taking, an emotional and supportive man. I've always hated lying, so as soon as I felt my feelings were becoming too strong, I told my husband about him. His response was that since he couldn't meet my emotional needs, it was OK to get them met by "Joe" -- as long as we didn't sleep together.
So now I've totally fallen for "Joe," but am still living with "Rob." My question is whether I should break up my family for love or stick it out in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids.
-- Conflicted
Dear Conflicted:
Can I take door No. 3? Because you lay this out as an either/or situation and I'm wondering if there is a fabulous new Camaro waiting for me if I choose "none of the above."
You present your husband as pretty intractable but don't say whether you could get him to work on this marriage with you. I know you've laid your emotional life out there for him and he has said, "No thank you," but have you given him options in terms of meeting you halfway? Part way? Will he even meet you for coffee?
Seventeen years is a long time, and I bet you've been around the block repeatedly with your husband, but this breaking up the family option is really severe.
I admit I'm a little less interested in your emotional life than in your kids'. And kids really hate it when their parents go "poof." And though most kids eventually adjust, sometimes splitting up doesn't really work out for the parents, either.
Before you take up with Mr. Wonderful, please read "Surrendering To Marriage," (Hyperion) by Iris Krasnow. Krasnow makes a strong case for staying in a marriage even when it's less than perfect, and her testimonials from long-married people who surrender to their bliss, break up their families and regret it might give you second thoughts.
I'm not telling you whether to stay or leave. But if I can get you to at least have second and then third thoughts -- then I'll feel I've earned that Camaro.
From:
Amy Dickinson
"Do serious thinking before leaving"
Published September 25, 2003
I have to admit that I disagree with my esteemed counterpart. Her advice would have been valid about 10 years ago. However, since that time you have gone over this ground in a multitude of times.
Your husband knows of your emotional needs, doesn't care and doesn't want to be bothered. This is obvious to me because he is able to delegate the emotional work to someone else without so much as the blink of an eye. It does make me wonder exactly what he gets out of the marriage if the only thing he has given his "OK" to your arrangement with another man provided that you don't sleep with him. The fact is, all Rob wants out of this farce of a marriage with you is a sex partner and a clean house. Further, I'm not sure upon which of those he places a higher priority - after all, sex requires actual physical contact and it might be too much for him.
Hon, life is too short to live in misery and emotional starvation. While there is no guarantee that you will find the richness with the new guy - after all, you are in a very vulnerable state right now, and after so long an emotional drought, he might not be all that he seems at this point. However, you will at least be able to move on with the hope of finding fulfillment. There are no guarantees for anything in this life, but there is one certainty here: "Surrendering to Marriage" with this man is equivalent to "Surrendering to Misery".
Childfree Abby - moving on
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/