Message ID: blc04q$ah42i$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
After 42 years of marriage, I am single again. I need to know what to do with my daughters, who are 40, 37 and 34, and cannot seem to fend for themselves. They have screwed up their lives many times and always return with sad hearts. Of course I give them a place to stay, because of the grandchildren. I worry about the little ones and want them to have a safe environment.
I have found a very nice man who is interested in a long-term relationship, but we are always fighting about my daughters. What should I do?
-- Frustrated Mother
Dear Frustrated Mother:
Your daughters must learn to stand on their own two feet, not only for themselves, but to teach their children how to be responsible adults. Unless they are in imminent danger of living out of a cardboard box, you should not take them in so quickly. Instead, offer to take the children while they look for work and daycare. Help them find affordable housing. Suggest that the sisters share a place together. When they see that Mom is not going to make it easy, they will make a greater effort to take care of themselves. Good luck.
ChildFree Abby believes that it is the responsibility of any parent to raise their children to raise them to be responsible and independent adults. If they have failed in this endeavour, they have failed as parents.
Your daughters are three adult if not middle-aged women who cannot - no let me rephrase that - will not take control of their lives. And you, Sunshine, are a classic enabler. They won't grow up until you cut the apron strings and make them take responsibility for their choices. Bad Choices? We all make bad choices now and again, but what separates the "wheat" from the "chaff" in every sense of the word, is how we learn from those experiences. If you keep rushing in to pick up the pieces each and every time they screw up, there is no incentive to learn, or make better choices.
By Childfree Abby's definition above, you have goofed and badly. However, there is still time to correct, and it must be corrected - your daughters must take responsibility for their own lives and their own children. If they can't manage now, how are they going to manage after you are gone? You won't be here forever, you know. Next time they try to come crying to you, ask them "What are you going to do about it?" Repeat as necessary and don't back down.
After 42 years it is now time to reclaim your own life; you have a shot at a decent relationship, take it. Let your daughters sort things out for themselves for a change. They, and you, will be the better for it.
Childfree Abby - with maturity
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/