Message ID: blfv1g$burcf$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am a 22-year-old college senior. My live-in fiancé, "Ray," is 31 and divorced. We have an infant son together. His three children, all under 12, are with us every other weekend.
When I entered this relationship, I had no concept of the tremendous responsibilities I would be taking on. Besides a full-time class schedule, I take care of our baby, cook every meal and clean the house. I also look after Ray's kids when they're here.
Because of our age difference, I sometimes feel that my values and goals conflict with Ray's. I want to focus on my career, but Ray feels my household duties should come first. I do not want to be the only one shouldering the burden. I want to have a professional life after I graduate. Ray does not make me feel appreciated, and I need advice about what to do about it.
-- OVERLOADED AND UNDERVALUED IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR OVER/UNDER:
You and Ray appear to have different priorities. You want a career; he wants a housekeeper and baby sitter for his children. Ideally, your fiancé should be helping you to achieve your goals. If you cannot fully express your feelings to him and arrive at a compromise, it may be time to re-evaluate your feelings about this entire relationship before it goes any further.
My, haven't you been taken for a sucker. A thirty one year old man with three prepubescent kids under his belt, and now one with you. Damn straight he doesn't want you to pursue your goals - it means he would have to assume some responsibility around the house and do something with his kids besides make them. With you there he has built in maid service, with a nanny and sex besides. What, my dear, has this relationship done for you lately? You will get a workable compromise out of this guy roughly about the time that some dude with peculiar taste in headgear, cloven hooves and a pitchfork turns up on your doorstep to let you know that it all just froze over.
What to do about it? Honey, that's simple - Leave the kid with him, pack your bags and go over the wall. Why leave the kid? Because, you have to finish grad school, and that is difficult with a kid in tow. And, let's face it, if El Producto is already supporting 3 kids, there isn't going to be much left to support yours. Nor, in case you haven't noticed, is he even likely to contribute voluntarily in the area of child care - woman's work, you know.
By the way, has anybody ever told you about birth control? Look into it. It will save you a lot of grief.
Childfree Abby - practically
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/