Message ID: blmgib$dnc0c$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
My mother and sister intensely hate my husband of one year. Admittedly, "Dylan" has a past involving an arrest and some jail time. But he has grown up a lot, and has since become a wonderful husband and father.
For some reason, my mother and sister cannot get beyond his rap sheet. They say he must prove to them that he is worthy of their approval and respect. I don't think Dylan has to prove anything to anyone except me and our children.
Dylan has never done anything to my mother or sister to warrant such animosity, yet my mother has gone out of her way to attack him. She has even called his friends and his boss, telling lies about him.
Dylan and I have a beautiful year-old son who has seen my mother exactly three times, even though we live in the same town. It seems a shame that no one can get along. What can I do?
-- My Family Hates My Husband
Dear Friend:
You can do nothing but wait. Your mother and sister must see that Dylan is a good husband and father, and one year isn't enough to make believers out of them. Of course, that is no excuse for telling lies about him to others.
If Dylan has grown up as much as you say, your family will eventually realize it. Meanwhile, unless she says disrespectful things about Dylan in his child's presence, allow Mom to see the boy more often. In fact, Dylan should make it a point to invite the family to get together, especially for the child's sake. Such a gesture might give Mom a reason to re-evaluate her opinion of her son-in-law, and we hope she is able to see the same qualities in him that you do.
Annie and many like her seem to make family some sort of holy icon - untouchable and beyond reproach - no matter what they do, what unspeakable act they commit, or how abominably they treat you: forgive, forget, rise above it and all will be eventually sweetness, light and family gathered round the table at Christmas. Oh, yes, and Annie and her ilk usually put the onus for maintaining the relationship on the person against whom these acts are committed.
I hate to cast a jaundiced eye on this Norman Rockwell view of life but there are times when it just isn't worth it. What you have to evaluate is this: is the dim hope that someday they might come around worth the devastation and havoc they are wreaking on your life? Remember, there are no guarantees that they ever will ever change. Your family will see what they choose to see, and more importantly, ignore anything they choose. Furthermore, you are powerless to change it, and in the meantime, no one will thank you for being a martyr.
In the meantime, as I am fond of saying, you have a choice: You can continue on trying to "make the peace" no matter the personal toll it takes on you, or you put them behind you and get on with your life.
Frankly, if indeed your mother has taken to calling Dylan's friends and employer and telling lies, she has crossed the line. What she has done is actionable, and she feels that you are so far under her thumb that you won't do anything about it. She won't stop because you ask her to, however, it might be worth your while to talk to a lawyer to discuss the legal implications of slander.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/