Message ID: bm2g3v$i0bu0$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I'm getting married next year. My fiancé's brother, "Lou" is an alcoholic and gets violent and refuses to get help. He wants to be part of the bridal party; however, he refuses to hold his liquor before our evening ceremony. I have asked my fiancé, "Ron," to talk to him because I don't want him to cause a scene that would embarrass my fiancé or his family.
We went to a relative's wedding and "Lou" drank prior to the ceremony, and during the course of the evening, he threatened the groom, dropped a champagne glass, could not get food in his mouth and passed out on the balcony floor. My fiancé was the only member of the family to come and help him -- everybody else just turned their backs.
I would like to know what to do. I want for just one night for my fiancé to enjoy his wedding day and not have to be his brother's keeper. Because both of their parents have passed away, their relatives feel that my fiancé is responsible for "Lou" and will not help him just for this night. His aunt has refused to come to the wedding if she will be escorted down the aisle with "Lou."
I am trying to be supportive of my fiancé; however I don't want "Lou" to be part of the wedding party because I know he will continue his drinking and violent behavior.
My family, bless their kindness, has even offered to help in any way, and my parents have even suggested that "Lou" sit at their table. I just don't feel that my family has to come to his rescue when his relatives will be there also. What can I do?
-- Weary
Dear Weary:
I called Leonard Felder, a family therapist and author of a very helpful book, "When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People" (Rodale Press), due out in November. Felder gives you credit for scanning the landscape ahead of time and suggests that you and your fiancé could help matters not by cutting "Lou" out, but by including him in the planning of this event -- at least the part of it that has to do with him.
Don't tiptoe around his drinking -- he knows he does it and everyone else does too. Please treat his alcoholism as the illness that it is and try to be compassionate, though I know that might be hard to do here.
Felder suggests that the brothers could enter into a "contract" of sorts. "Lou" may promise that he won't get drunk, though it might be unrealistic to trust that he can stay completely sober. His brother can ask him what kind of help he needs to keep things under control that night, whether by speaking to the bartenders or making sure he sits with people he respects and who might help him keep it together. If your folks fill the bill here, then take them up on their kind offer to host him at their table. "Lou's" part of the contract is agreeing to what will happen if he can't stay relatively sober, and be candid with him about that.
Felder suggests that you make it clear to "Lou" that if there is any violence or other inappropriate behavior "escort" from the guest list or hire a security person -- do not leave this job for the groom, who shouldn't be bouncing his brother during his own wedding.
Most of all, please promise each other in advance that no matter what happens at your wedding, you will always remember that you tried your best, that you dealt with your family in a loving way, and that a messy wedding does not a messy marriage make.
Amy Dickinson
published Oct 8, 2003
I think my esteemed counterpart has neglected to mention something: While Lou is a lush, and everyone knows it, your future Dear Husband is a classic enabler.
Yes, alcoholism is a disease, but so is diabetes, and like diabetes, there are certain treatments to bring that under control - and that's where choice comes in. One can be an alcoholic, but one can choose to remain one or choose to try do something about it. Your future DH seems to have designated himself as "his brother's keeper", and that is something you should bear in mind before you walk down the aisle. If Lou knows his brother is going to keep picking him up, cleaning up his messes, covering for him, he has no motivation to bring his disease under control. Shielding Lou from the consequences of his actions isn't doing him any favours. And there will be a time when his brother won't be there to pick him up.
From the text of your letter, the rest of Lou's family has already figured this out. Time for a little tough love, Weary. Talk to your intended about it, but be prepared for a fight, because hand in hand with being an enabler is denial.
Childfree Abby - responsibly
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/