Message ID: bngqih$10qk1b$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am a single mother with two young daughters and a 21-year-old son, "Billy," who dropped out of high school during his senior year. When it happened, I was very upset. I told him if he wanted to continue to live at home, he would have to get a full-time job and pay rent. Billy didn't like that idea, so he went to live with his girlfriend and her parents, who didn't seem to care that he had no job.
About a year ago, Billy's girlfriend broke up with him. Since he had no place to go, I told him he could stay with me temporarily. He has been sleeping on my couch ever since. Billy has only a part-time job. He says that's all he can find. I'm tired of supporting him and I think he should be out on his own by now, but if I kick him out, he'll have nowhere to go. His father is no help. Billy rarely sees him. I'm at my wit's end. Please tell me what I should do.
-- FED-UP MOM IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR MOM:
Your son may have trouble finding full-time employment because he lacks a high school diploma. His first priority should be to contact his high school and find out how to get his GED. Then he must start studying again and pick up where he left off when he dropped out.
I know it's frustrating, but be patient a little longer. I don't know what Billy's talents are, but if he isn't college material, he should consider going to a trade school and learning a marketable skill. The job market is difficult right now, so accept the fact that a part-time job and getting his equivalency diploma may be all Billy can manage for a while.
As long as your son is willing to work toward success, you should be willing to compromise. However, if he isn't willing to go to trade school or get a GED, he should get a full-time job. There are jobs at fast-food places, movie theaters, supermarkets, etc., that don't require skills and/or diplomas. At 21, your son is too old to be supported. Be prepared to be firm with him, because if you aren't, he may never learn to fly on his own.
MOM IS DESPERATE TO GET SON OFF HER COUCH AND ON HIS OWN
Fri Oct 24
By Abigail Van Buren
Come to terms with something - your son is a slug and you have no spine.
You say that if you throw him out he will have no place to go. Has it occurred to you that if you let him stay he has no motivation to improve? At this point, he has spending money and a place to crash, and that's all he wants. He will find a place - he probably has friends who in turn will throw him out if he doesn't pull his share of the load. Hard lesson, but for as long as you let him stay on your couch, you might as well be changing his diapers.
He is 21 years old, an adult in every sense of the word, and its about time he assumed those responsibilities. My esteemed counterpart seems to be soft-pedalling about the situation, and the time for that is long over. What he needs is a wake up call. Yes, he should be contacting his high school, etc., etc. He knows this - but has no motivation to do so. Unless you want him on you couch when he's 40, now is the time for some tough love. He needs a cold hard dose of reality, and you are the only one who can give it to him.
The longer he remains ensconced on your couch, the harder it will be for him to shape up. It will be easier for him to do it now at 21 than it will at 30.
How he reacts and how he shapes up will dictate future compromise, if any.
Do it. Now.
Childfree Abby - responsibly
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/