Message ID: bnj2j6$11hkrm$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
A little over a year ago, one of my best friends had a daughter. I was thrilled for her. After the baby was born, I made a point of calling her and visiting every week or so to see the baby and keep in touch, knowing that she was busy adjusting to motherhood.
I assumed that when the baby was older, we'd start spending some time together again. Instead, I'm still the one who always calls and visits. She doesn't do anything anymore. She stays at home and watches kid shows on TV all day. Whenever I call her, she makes snide comments about my job, telling me I should quit and have a baby and stay home, which is something I don't want to do.
I feel hurt because we've been friends for nine years, and I feel like I need to have a baby in order for the friendship to work; and even then, I'm worried about how she'll judge me if I don't stay at home watching Elmo all day. Is it unreasonable for me to want her to be a mother, wife and a friend?
-- Baby Blues
Dear Baby:
You seem to be under the impression that new motherhood is one big Elmo-party, and I do beg to differ; mothering a baby is more than chowing down on teething biscuits and watching "Sesame Street."
But your lack of perspective about her life doesn't forgive her behavior, either. Friends have to accept one another's life choices; otherwise the friendship dies. New moms eventually have to change out of their sweat pants and rejoin the rest of the world -- at least in part. Out here, life is complicated and most of us already know our ABCs; you can almost understand why someone would prefer Elmo to the uncertainty of a real friendship.
I hope you'll cut your friend a little more slack, but if she doesn't value you enough to hold up her end of the relationship, then you should wave "bye bye."
Amy Dickinson
Published October 27, 2003
My esteemed baby-focused counterpart seems to be missing the point entirely. It isn't your lack of perspective, and it's not unreasonable to expect your "friend" to be wife, mother, and a friend. You aren't asking for the world, you are asking her to call you for a cup of coffee now and again. From what I see, you have cut her more than ample slack - you have made the effort to maintain the relationship, by calling and staying in touch, and your friend has done zip except denigrate your job and your lifestyle.
With friends like that, enemies are redundant.
You have to realize something - your so-called friend is so jealous of you that she can't see straight. The unending drudgery of motherhood and baby is dawning on her, and she's not happy about it. She may even regret her choice entirely. She envies you your job (obvious by her "sour grapes" attitude) and the freedom your lifestyle allows you. She will never have the spontaneity again and she knows it. However, since misery loves company, she is trying very hard to drag you down to the hell where she lives. You supported her in her choice and rejoiced in her happiness, and now, for all intents and purposes, she wants nothing to do with you if you don't follow the script she has chosen.
The friendship is over, and you know it. Move on, leave your erstwhile friend to her disposable diapers and kindercrap, while her mind turns to mush from lack of mental stimulation. Live your life, love your freedom, and get some new friends.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/