Message ID: bod9q4$1d3bvt$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I've been having a conflict with my fiancé for quite some time. I never want to visit his parents because they are chain smokers. Everyone in his family smokes -- brother, sister, uncles and aunts. I don't want to sit in a house full of toxic smoke. He says I can't avoid going there or I'll cause problems between him and his parents and that I should just bite the bullet.
I think I shouldn't have to subject myself to their smoking for hours at a time. After a visit, I honestly don't feel well and have coughing fits. His counterpoint is that I used to be a smoker and should be able to handle it. I quit for a reason -- I want a long and healthy life. With the holidays coming up, our presence is expected and the entire family is present and, of course, smoking!
What do you suggest I do?
-- Give Me Some Air
Dear Air:
Husbands and wives watch each other's backs, protect their mutual interests and smooth the way for each other. In the course of your marriage, there will be many times when you will expect your husband to stand with you and respect your goals. This is one of those times, and your future husband should step up to the plate here. I'm not saying he should insist that his family change, but at least defend your right to limit your exposure.
I think insisting that you tolerate a house full of chain smokers for hours at a time and then laying the problem at your feet is fairly intolerable behavior on his part.
If you decide have a child together, is he going to insist that you enjoy hours of holiday smoke in an enclosed space while you're pregnant?
I'm not saying that this chain-smoking business should be a marriage-breaker or that you should be rude or insistent with his family in their own home; but I do think that you should maintain your right to come and go from his family's house at your own comfort and without his blaming you for being sickened by smoking. Please have a very serious talk about this and plan on taking separate transportation to holiday dinners at his house, so you can leave if you have to. You might also take the lead here and help plan "smoke-free" activities or outdoor entertainments that you and your fiancé host as a healthier way for everyone to get together.
Clear air with husband about smoking in-laws
Amy Dickinson
Published November 5, 2003
I must admit that I do agree with my esteemed counterpart's advice except for one small area.
Why play the baby card?
I have a serious problem with using this particular argument. If your fiancé won't stand up for you and your health now, what makes you think that he will if you are pregnant? AND - if he only does if you are pregnant, that pretty much displays how he views your role in the grand scheme of things, namely: that you and your health only have value if you are the carrier of the blessed sprog.
Now that's a rude awakening, isn't it?
Think of it before you play that particular card. And if you do, ponder carefully the response you get. It will tell you more about your fiancé and his views than you realize. If you are valued more as a baby maker than as a wife, lover and companion, then run, run hard, run long and run fast. Find someone who values you for the person than you are rather than a potential broodmare.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/