Message ID: bp88rn$1m2880$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I have trouble admitting this, but lately I've been feeling a little like I don't want to be married anymore. Is this common for women with a 2-year-old? (Although it has gotten better -- the first year was worse!)
I work full time, and I see my husband as a burden on my energy rather than a joy. We've seen a counselor, but I don't know if it has helped much.I love my son and think having two parents together is best for him. My husband is sleeping in a different room -- he snores. I'm uncomfortable in our bed together and prefer to sleep with my son right now. I am actually really happy with this arrangement. Is that pathetic?
-- Kim from Virginia
Dear Kim:
You're not pathetic; you're a working mother with a toddler and in a marriage hat's going through a transition. You're also exhausted. And sad.
You could wait this out and know that things will probably improve in direct proportion to your son's growth chart. But I have news for you -- you'll have to move your son out of your bed eventually (and I vote for sooner rather than later), and you and your husband are going to have to face the "what are we doing together" questions.
Since he is willing to see a counselor with you, keep at it. And ask if you might be suffering from more than just marriage ennui -- your outlook might improve dramatically through individual therapy and/or medication.
And puh-leese make sure you do some things together without your son. Even a short car trip without Elmo singalongs could help you reconnect.
In answer to your question, yes, it is pathetic.
There are a couple possibilities going on here: 1) is the all-too-common plight of people who didn't put much thought into just how much having a baby would change their lives, and literally bit off more than they could chew. 2) Or, a woman who was so enraptured with MeMeMe and BabyBabyBaby that she views her husband and her relationship with her husband as expendable now that the holy child has arrived.
As to the first, how much conscious thought did you put into having this baby? The energy needed to raise it, care for it, and how much it would change your life upon its arrival. It would not surprise me if you didn't think of it at all. There is a depressingly huge population of people who put more thought into car-buying than into an 18 year (at least) 24/7 commitment of time, energy and emotion. And to those who have put so little thought into this matter I do respond with:
bed.
made.
lie.
As to the second,
Regardless of what the gurus of "attachment parenting" may say, it's neither healthy nor correct for a woman to prefer to sleep with her two-year-old son than her husband. This is an Oedipus complex in the making as, in essence, this arrangement has allowed your child to take the place of your husband. How does your husband feel about this arrangement? I note that any reference to his feelings is curiously absent here.
He snores? I do have some sympathy there, the first Mr. Abby snored like a moose in rut. However, I don't think that this is a recent development, and you managed to put up with it long enough to get pregnant. However, that said, there might be some treatment available for that - explore it. Since your husband is willing to try counselling, I don't think he would be adverse to this.
You say you love your son, and think having two parents is best for him, but not once did you say that you loved your husband. Did you love him, or did you, on some level see him only as a sperm donor and wallet? Since he has outlived his usefulness in one area, his only role left is that of wallet. You can bet that he will tire of that soon enough. And just as you have made a choice, so will he, to find the intimacy that your marriage is sorely lacking.
In short, you'd better do something before you and Oedipus Rex are left high and dry.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/