Message ID: bpdlr0$1mo5i4$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
The holidays are approaching, and the same old problem pops up. My husband and adult children do not want to spend the day with my family, the main reason being my brother-in-law. He has turned family get-togethers into something we dread. He is loud, opinionated, monopolizes all conversations, is an expert on all subjects and seems to take great pleasure in making my husband uncomfortable. My husband does not want to offend my mother by reacting to provocation and keeps moving from room to room to avoid him.
I'm afraid that this is the year that my husband might just punch him out, and as much as I would enjoy seeing that, it can't happen. My sister seems oblivious to our discomfort, and my husband and children feel it is my place to discuss this with her. I would not know where to begin. I am a wimp who just wants to continue to grin and bear it.
I am sure we are not the only ones with this problem. Any suggestions?
-- Family Peacemaker
Dear Peacemaker:
Even though nothing says "Thanksgiving" quite like a sock to the jaw, you'd think that the least we could do to honor the legacy of the holiday is not to punch each other out over the cranberry sauce. Fisticuffs, running from room to room or the old "grin and bear it" strategy aren't the answers here.
You don't mention who is hosting your holiday dinner, but a good host tries to anticipate burdensome or obnoxious guests and will try some creative ways to disable them. Your brother-in-law sounds like a guy who needs to be assigned a task, partly as a way of keeping him busy so the rest of the family can enjoy themselves.
I'm thinking that the Southern tradition of deep frying the turkey might be just the job for him. From what I understand, it takes hours of attentive fussing, must be done outdoors and can sometimes end in a spectacular fireball. (Tips on deep-fried turkey preparation can be found on www.eatturkey.com.) Jobs such as this, or making repeated trips to the garage to fetch extra chairs, can keep a troublesome guest at bay.
It should not fall exclusively to you or your sister to reel in your brother-in-law, but the burden should be shared by all of the adult guests. That means that while at the table, guests introduce topics in the form of "Grandma, we'd love to hear what you're up to these days." Another idea is to pass the wishbone around the table, giving each guest who holds it a chance to shine and no interrupting allowed.
With the utmost respect to my counterpart - the above Norman Rockwell solution require the co-operation of other family members, and the boor himself. Fact is, your family is doing nothing about alleviating the situation. They have had ample opportunity to do so, and if they haven't in the past, they aren't likely to in the future - not unless someone makes a stand.
Now it falls to you. Let my clue you into something: There is no law that states that you have to attend these so-called "family" celebrations. The Holiday Police will not arrive at your door, force you to parade through the streets dressed as turkeys and present you at your families' door in time to serve the pumpkin pie. You don't like being there, your husband doesn't like being there, your adult children don't like being there. What more reason do you need? In short:
Grow a spine and DON'T GO.
Tell the family that you will be celebrating quietly at home this year, with your husband and children. If they ask why, tell them the truth - your boor-in-law is an offensive pig who ruins the event for all of you and you are tired of putting up with it. If they get bent out of shape - their problem, not yours.
Who knows, you might like it so much, you may start a new tradition.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/