Message ID: bpg6i0$1kakpc$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I have a problem with my mother and stepfather. When I was 7-8 years old (I'm 29 now), I was sexually abused by two members of my stepfather's family. It took me about 20 years to come to grips with what happened and learn that it was not my fault. And at that time I decided to tell my parents what happened. I got no reaction at all. Nothing.
I cannot tell you how much that hurts. It makes me feel like it was my fault. (I now have two girls of my own, and if, God forbid, that should happen to them, I would be confronting the people who did it.) I just don't understand why they have no reaction. I have tried to ask them since then how they feel about it. The only answer is, "I don't know."
I would like to confront the men who did this to me. They both have wives and children. I think that their wives deserve to know that their men have sexually abused a girl. Both were old enough to know better when it happened.
What can I do in this situation? Please help.
-- Confused in Illinois
Dear Confused:
I contacted a sexual abuse counselor through the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (www.rainn.org, or 800-656-4673), and this should also be your first step. Every victim deserves support, and since you aren't getting it from your family, please reach out to others who can help you. RAINN can put you in touch with a local counselor, and all services are free and confidential.
A lot of survivors want to confront their abusers and benefit from doing so. Counseling will help you think this through, as well as give you emotional support and legal advice.
Obviously, since there are other children in the lives of your abusers, you are thinking of their welfare, as you should. Legal statutes concerning sexual abuse are currently being rewritten, and even many years after the fact, you may have a criminal or civil case against your abusers if you decide to pursue them through the courts. A local counselor can advise you on the laws in your state.
I am so sorry for what you have gone through, and I hope you'll act now in order to continue to heal and to perhaps protect other children.
Abuse of any sort is a horrible thing, and no one deserves it. Coming to terms with it is - to put it very mildly, a struggle - and when it happens, a great personal victory. You will note that I said "personal victory" there is a reason for that. All too often, there is a cherished hope in a victim of abuse for a "If only they knew about it, how it affected me, they would (insert desired response)" moment of validation. The reality is that when "they" are told, nothing changes, there is no great epiphany. And the end of that cherished hope is often very hard to take.
When the victory and healing occurs, many abused share the source of their abuse with their families, with varying degree of success. Some are met with outright denial - others silence. The reason for this is that you are "upsetting the apple cart"; cracking the facade and revealing something that they wish neither to see or acknowledge and will do their best to avoid - forever, if necessary. If you are looking for that moment of validation, you will have to come to terms with the fact that it may never arrive. Most times, the best that you will get is the silence that has met you.
As for confronting your abusers - if you feel strongly enough about it, and really feel a need to do it, then - do so. But don't get your hopes up and be prepared not to be validated there either. Few, if any, will see you as "the avenging angel". You may be met with anything from indifference to disbelief to outright hostility. You have to decide whether you can withstand the reactions you may get.
In the end, the choice of how to proceed is yours. No one can gainsay you whatever path you choose.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/