Message ID: bpnrcf$1qk1og$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I will be 76 years old in three weeks. The best gift I could receive would be some advice that could change my everyday life.
My problem is loneliness and constant insecurity because there is no one to check on my welfare each day. Frankly, I'm frightened. What would happen if I fell down? If I slipped in the bathtub? If I had no heat in the winter? If I got sick?
When I retired, I decided to live in the country, away from the hectic life of the city, and I am happy with this choice. However, money is scarce, and I just get by. I have four responsible, grown children, who are college-educated with good jobs and comfortable lifestyles. They have no interest in calling or visiting on a regular basis, and nothing I say will change that.
One daughter lives 70 miles away, and she is the only child who maintains contact. She came to visit this week for the first time in four months. When I mentioned that I get lonely and my thinking gets fuzzy living in such isolation, she got upset and said I was putting a guilt trip on her. I don't feel that there is anyone who really cares about me.
What should I do? What can I say to turn this around? Obviously, I am not doing or saying the right thing to get results.
-- Wadesboro, N.C.
Dear Wadesboro:
Children should care enough to call and visit their ageing parents, but you cannot force them to do so. It is unrealistic to remain isolated out in the country, lamenting that your unreliable children do not check up on you.
Contact the agencies on ageing in your area to find out if there are senior services that can provide you with assistance. Also, many states have laws requiring children to provide financially for their ageing parents. Consider asking your kids to help you move to a retirement community where you will feel safe and have friends nearby. Sign up for classes at a park district. Join a choir, art class or exercise class. Get a part-time job. Volunteer somewhere. All of these things will keep you active and provide you with a fulfilling life independent of your children.
One of the things all too often thrown into the faces of the ChildFree is the question "who will take care of you when you are old"? As if procreation somehow gives you an ironclad, cast-in-stone guarantee that the fruit of your loins will be the comfort and joy of your old age. Well, as you can see from your own experience "it ain't necessarily so". I always advise anyone who gives me that little platitude to visit their nearest senior's home, and ask just how many residents receive regular visits from their children.
The reasons why your children do not contact you may be many and varied. However, on the whole, we live in a far more transient society than ever before. It is not unusual for children to live anywhere from 100's to thousands of miles away from their parents, it is not rare for them to live on entirely different continents. As I see it, this gives the Childfree a bit of an advantage over the Childed - the Childed have all too frequently lulled themselves into the false sense of security that their children will be there for them, while the ChildFree harbour no such illusions. We know that we must prepare for the unavoidable eventuality of our old age - cultivating relationships beyond our "family circle" is just the beginning. From the tone of your letter, Wadesboro, that is something that you have neglected - friends look out for friends.
In some sense, Wadesboro, you can be grateful - your children are educated, independent and responsible. It would be far worse if you had raised a bunch of ne'er do wells who saw you as a cash cow and a place to crash. However, my counterpart is correct, whining that your children don't pay enough attention to you isn't helping your situation.
The advice given you by my esteemed counterpart is good, and probably your best plan of action. You will have to move, because your children - obviously, and for whatever reason, are not going to be going out of their way to see your needs and safety. And you have to work at it too, because if you don't get off your butt and become involved in something, make some new acquaintances you will be dependent, and disappointed on your children for company and society.
Childfree Abby
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