Message ID: bpvndq$1slecm$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I was emotionally abused by my mother throughout my childhood and have been in therapy most of my adult life. I have forgiven my mother and now understand that she is not capable of accepting what she did to me. I am able to have a long-distance phone relationship with her, but I have no interest in being close.
The problem is, every year around Christmas, my mother calls and tells me she is coming to visit for two weeks. I never invite her. Last Christmas, my husband and I went away on a vacation to avoid her. She called, crying, saying she was going to kill herself. What can I do? -- Help Wanted in the East
Dear Help Wanted:
Would it be possible for you to visit Mom, maybe for a day or two, and stay in a hotel? That way, she would not come to see you, and you would have control over the amount of time you spend with her. If that is too much closeness, discuss with your therapist some methods for saying no to your mother without feeling guilty or manipulated. You deserve to have peace of mind.
Your mother abused you in the past, and is attempting to do so now. You may have forgiven her, but that does not mean ceasing to hold her responsible for her actions. Nor do you have to allow her to do so ever again.
People like my esteemed counterparts have this tendency to put the "oh so holy" bond of motherhood on a pedestal where it does not belong. Let me clue you into something - when someone is about to vivisect you, you don't have you lay yourself out because the person wielding the knife is your mother. So your mother is not capable of accepting what she did to you. Since you realize that, why do you continue to keep yourself in the line of fire? You, your feelings and your experience will get no validation from her and further contact with her only brings you grief. You are now an adult, your mother is trying to keep you a child. You have a responsibility first and foremost to yourself to make your life work. You are accepting behaviour from her "because she is your mother" that you would not accept from a friend, or at least anyone who would be your friend for long.
Your mother is engaging in emotional manipulation of the worst sort, and you don't have to play her game. Repeat after me: "I am not responsible for how my mother chooses to make herself feel." The next time she calls, if you want to take the call at all, say "I'm sorry YOU feel that way" and if she starts threatening suicide, give her the suicide hotline number.
If you leave this door open, you only leave yourself open for pain and abuse.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/