Message ID: bre45h$2edua$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am a single woman in my late 40s, never married and with no kids. I have two sisters, both married, with kids, and now I'm a great aunt -- twice, with more to follow.
I have been buying gifts for every occasion -- showers, weddings, housewarming, birthdays -- for my nieces and nephews since they were born.
I have yet to get even a birthday card from them. I'm usually excluded from family functions because I'm not married and haven't procreated. I find this terribly unfair, and every year I dread the holidays. I feel hurt most of the time for being neglected. My family still expects me to continue on with buying gifts for my great nieces now. It will never end.
What is the protocol on buying gifts for family members when I'm excluded from their lives (except when there is an occasion)?
I can't talk to my sisters because it makes me sound petty, and I'm single so I'm expected to buy gifts. My younger sister understands and compensates, but my older sister is selfish and only thinks of herself and her problems.
Now that the holidays are coming I'm getting that old knot in my stomach.
-- Maria
Dear Maria:
The protocol on gift-giving is supposed to be that giving makes you feel good because you've been generous and thoughtful.
The best-case holiday scenario would be that you have some sort of relationship with these children independent of their mothers; when the holidays come around, you take the opportunity to express that relationship in a way that makes everyone feel good. And, yes, the appreciation should flow both ways. The fact that it doesn't shows how flawed the relationship is, not how flawed the holiday season is.
I have a suggestion about how to be generous and thoughtful without feeling overwhelmed by your family's expectations. Please do a thorough search of charities you'd like to support and put your energy into doing so. One charity I like is The Heifer Project (www.heifer.org), for which you can "purchase" a chicken or pig in your family's name and the livestock is donated to a needy community. That's just an example -- the idea is to choose a cause you believe in.
Surely your sisters wouldn't dare criticize you for supporting a worthy cause in the name of their families. Once you remove yourself from the gift frenzy, that knot in your stomach should start to disappear.
Ding! Ding ! Ding! Clue train coming through!!!!!
You have spent years buying gifts for a bunch of entitlement-minded brats since they were born. No one has so much as reciprocated even once. You are ostracized by your family because you haven't married and bred.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Yes, a gift is supposed to make you feel good because you have been generous and thoughtful. However, as I see it - and you do too - the "generous and thoughtful" feeling has worn thin, and in its place, you feel that they have taken advantage of your generosity. It doesn't take an Einstein to see that you have a valid reason for feeling that way.
My esteemed counterpart, ever the cringing acolyte before the Holy Altar Of The Family says to make a charitable donation in the family's name because "Surely your sisters wouldn't dare criticize you for supporting a worthy cause in the name of their families." I respectfully disagree. You do that, and yea and verily the feces will hit the ventilator. After all, your role here is to be "poor maiden aunt who should be grateful for the opportunity to devote her time and money to her sister's kids and their progeny. After all, what else does she have to spend it on?" The whinging will be heard from one end of the country to the other, should you dare to break the figurative mould.
Listen up, Maria - you don't have to give this bunch of ingrates anything. Do you need permission not to? There, you have it. Childfree Abby absolves you of any guilt and any need to bestow any further largesse upon this herd. If you feel a need to give to a charity, do it in your name. Better still, take your money and take a holiday to someplace fun with the money.
If your family whines about it, tell them the truth - you are tired of forking out hundreds of dollars annually to a bunch of spoiled brats who can't even write your name on a birthday card, let alone find a stamp. The gravy train stops here, so suck it up.
Maria, you have nothing to lose here, and your freedom to gain.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/