Message ID: bs9pbd$b7lfr$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
Last year, my wife and I decided it was time to get a larger house. Around the same time, my mom concluded she should sell her home. Since the price Mom wanted for her place was too good to pass up, we agreed to buy it. After the papers were signed, however, Mom decided she would simply move to one of the upper floors instead of moving out.
The upper floor has its own entrance, and Mom assured us we would live separate lives. We couldn't very well throw her out of the home she'd known for years, so we allowed the arrangement to stick. The problems began when Mom started invading our section of the house whenever she pleased. If the doors were locked, she simply would use her garage key to let herself in through the kitchen.
Three months ago, my wife gave birth to twins. At that point, Mom came into the house every half-hour. She'd bang on the door if it was locked. I decided to take the garage key away because her behavior was so intrusive. My wife actually had heart palpitations whenever she saw Mom coming.
My main problem, Annie, is that my wife and mother always respected each other. Now that respect is gone, and my mother cries about the way my wife has "changed." My mother believes we don't let her see the twins often enough. She thinks she should be downstairs every day.
The stress level in our home is very high right now, and I'm stuck between my mother and wife. I want to protect my wife, but I don't want to hurt my mother in the process. What do I do?
-- M.P.
Dear M.P.:
You must get your mother out of the house, or sell it and move elsewhere. Mom, no matter how well-intentioned, is going to ruin your marriage if you don't create a more solid separation between her and the life you have with your wife and children. Encourage Mom to move into a condo or apartment where she will have autonomy and privacy. Help her look through the classifieds. We know the separation will be difficult, and yes, Mom's feelings will be hurt, but it is necessary to do this.
Your letter proves that sometimes deals "too good to be true" are far more expensive in the long run.
You can't tell me that you did not have any indication that this wasn't going to happen. The fact that your mother decided without consulting either of you that she would "simply move into one of the upper floors instead of moving out" spoke volumes. It never occurred to her to consider your wishes. As for throwing her out -Dude- why the hell not? SHE, of her own free will, sold the house. She did not sell you the house with the provision that she would live in the upper floors - she, not you, decided that later, and you didn't have the testicular fortitude to say a word. Further, it is not as if you were throwing her out on the street. She is not destitute, and obviously (since she lives on an upper floor) not disabled in any way.
Your wife has changed? Probably, who wouldn't if they were living under siege?
Your mother, M.P., is a control freak, her invasions are abusive, and you need to grow a spine and cut the apron strings. You should have done this in the first place - believe me, it would have been far easier. As it stands now, you have to make a choice: your mother or your wife. You did not establish boundaries and your mother does not recognize any. She will whine and play the victim, and play every manipulative card in the deck. But if you give her an inch - you can kiss your marriage goodbye.
Childfree Abby - plainly
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