Message ID: btelim$5hk76$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I have been married for 10 years to a wonderful man. Prior to our marriage, "Larry" and I wanted children, but we have not been successful. We tried everything, including in-vitro fertilization, and nothing worked. Now, Larry no longer wants to continue spending thousands of dollars in order to conceive a child. He'd rather spend the money on a new car or boat. He has developed a negative attitude toward children and views them as a "pain." He absolutely will not consider adoption.
Larry's attitude has become a problem for me. I am 33 years old and cannot wait too much longer to start a family. I know that I can pressure him into trying some more, but I don't feel that would be fair to him or to the child we might bring into this world. Larry always has been kind, considerate and respectful of my feelings, but I don't know how to get past this. How can I make this marriage work and still hold on to my desire for a child?
-- Desperate for a Child in Arizona
Dear Desperate:
Larry may be rejecting the idea of children because he is so disappointed about the infertility problems. He may blame himself, and his negative attitude seems less painful than trying to become a father and failing yet again.
You both could use some counseling from infertility experts. Please send a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope to Resolve: The National Infertility Association, 1310 Broadway, Somerville, MA 02144, 1-888-623-0744 (www.resolve.org).
Husband may blame himself for infertility problems
January 6, 2004
You, on the other hand, are deep in denial.
Accept something, you were not meant to have children. Period.
I suggest to you, Desperate, that your husband's desire for children was not nearly as strong as yours is, and that your "baby rabies" may have blinded you to that realization. Also, in all fairness, your husband should have displayed more spine and voiced his misgivings earlier and louder. Be that as it may, you have now come to an impasse.
My esteemed counterparts don't seem quite able to grasp the notion that people can be very happy without children.
I, too, suggest counseling. That is, however, where we diverge. My counterparts are focusing on your husband, and how he can be brought back into the party line. I think that you need to come to terms with the fact that you are chasing something that you will never have - a biological child, regardless of how much money you throw at it. I think, also, you need to explore something you never have before - the potential of living happily without children.
Perhaps infertility experts can help open your eyes to that possibility, but somehow, I think they may be just a wee bit biased. After all, Infertility is a very big, very profitable business, and as Phineas T. Barnum was supposed to have said, "There's a sucker born every minute."
Now, if afterwards, you still feel that you just can't live without a child, and your husband remains, to say the least, ambivalent, you have reached a "deal breaker". Time to go your separate ways.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/