Message ID: bterln$6g085$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
"Burt" and I have been married for 14 years. We have two beautiful children -- a boy and a girl -- ages 8 and 11. Burt works in sales. I am a designer and run my business out of our home, so that I can be here when the children come home from school.
For the last couple of years, Burt has complained that the "spice" has gone out of our marriage. He did some Internet research and found a swingers group in our community. At first, he only did some chatting online, but now he wants us to go to one of their parties. I told him I'm against it, but he insists. The idea of exposing myself to strangers is mortifying. But the more I tell him no, the more insistent he becomes.
Should I agree to it to save our marriage?
-- Wavering In Virginia
Dear Wavering:
No. If you do, the dynamics of your marriage will change forever -- and not for the better.
Great sex is all about great communication. If a dish isn't spicy enough, I see nothing to be gained by diluting it. To do something that makes you uncomfortable or is morally repugnant will not save your marriage. A healthier solution for what ails your marriage would be to consult a sex therapist or a marriage counselor.
I am of the mind that it really doesn't matter what consenting adults do providing they don't block the streets and scare the horses. (I really don't know who originally said that little gem of wisdom, but it sums up my feelings exactly.)
What exactly is wrong with "swinging"? Nothing, really, if that's what happens to float your boat, providing that reasonable precautions are taken, and - this is the kicker - involves consenting adults. Coercion is not a good thing.
Maybe the "spice" has gone out of your marriage, and maybe you need to get out of the house more often. Is swinging the answer? That's for the two of you to decide. But, one thing your husband may not have considered:
There are an awful lot of men who get into "swinging" because of the lack of what they consider "spice" in their marriage. This sometimes translates into "I want carte blanche to screw around, and if my wife is there, it's OK." Their wives are (to say the least) lukewarm to the idea, but go along with it because of pressure from their husbands - and that's a mistake from the beginning. The problem that arises is this: the couple gets there... and hubby, in the middle of the great act, notes his wife off in the corner with someone else and (Gasp!) she's enjoying it - *really* enjoying it. Enjoying it far more than he ever thought she would enjoy it, or for that matter, feels she has any right to enjoy it.
Nowwaitagoddamnminute! She's not supposed to like it that much, she's just supposed to "go along with it". See where this is going?
The above scenario is as common as dirt. Likely as not, Wavering, your husband has not even considered the possibility. But he should.
Take it for what it's worth - swinging can be fun, but coercion is not healthy.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/