Message ID: bthabn$793s9$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
You probably get this opening line often, but I've never written to an advice columnist before.
I'm in my mid-20s, hold a great job -- my dream job, in fact -- I'm in good health and am relatively happy. I have a boyfriend whom I love very much, but that's where my problem begins.
My boyfriend does not want to get married or have kids. We've been together for many years. I've changed my life for him, moving to follow him and his career goals, putting my life on hold, etc.
We are both financially secure, gainfully employed and far from too young for marriage or kids, and he still doesn't want to do either, saying it would "ruin everything."
I want marriage. I want a house and kids. I want to begin my own family before I'm too old to enjoy it.
My boyfriend, however, has made his decision and has firmly informed me that he will not be proposing or giving me children.
I love him to death. He's my best friend and treats me with respect and honesty. Do I have to forgo my dreams of marriage and children for the man I love more than anything?
The kicker is this: A guy I dated in high school recently got in touch with me, confessing that he regretted losing me. High School Guy mentioned the other day in an e-mail (that I didn't respond to) that more than anything he wants to settle down, get married and have kids. And now, he's all I can think about.
Help, Help, Help.
-- Erin
Dear Erin:
You claim to have put your life on hold for your boyfriend. But you've been out here in the world, in love with a guy you describe as your best friend and working at your dream job. If that's putting your life "on hold," then you might want to rethink your standards.
You're lucky in a way; your guy isn't jerking you around, promising you things he doesn't intend to deliver, just to appease you so you won't use that "I've put my life on hold" line with him. He's giving you the benefit of telling you the truth.
Take it from me. You will never stop wanting to get married and having kids. And your guy is telling you that it's just not in the cards with him.
So take your life off hold and accept all incoming calls. Just be as honest with your boyfriend as he has been with you, and if you decide to break up, don't cheat on him first with a high school flame. (And don't be too shocked if your boyfriend rebounds from you quickly into marriage and fatherhood. I don't know why, but many of the marriage-phobes I know do just that.)
Down the road, if you do make a new life with your old beau, it will make a nice anecdote for your high school reunions.
Let me make this short and sweet. You are involved with someone who is honest enough to lay his cards on the table to tell you that marriage, rose-covered cottage and kids with you are out of the question.
It doesn't matter what you said you have done for him and this relationship - moved, put your life on hold, etc., etc. All bets are off. Where he wants this relationship to go is not where you want this relationship to go, and you are not going to change that. Yes, it sucks, but at least now you know, and can move on with your life.
Now, you may or may not have someone waiting in the wings whose goals are more aligned with yours.
I fail to see your problem. Be as honest with your current as he is with you.
A word of advice though, The grass, as they say, is always greener on the other side of the fence. You have much here - someone you love (or claim to) - and you say that this relationship as put your life "on hold". If you consider spending years happily with someone you love a waste, simply because it didn't follow the script, what will happen when when your next one deviates from the path you have laid out?
If follow the script you must, then this relationship is over. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/