Message ID: bthgo5$79s8l$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am an attractive and intelligent woman from India. I have high moral standards. I live with my parents in America and have a good job. Last year some relatives told me that for the past two years my parents have secretly been planning my wedding to a man named "Rashid." I have never met Rashid because he lives in India, nor have my parents said one word to me about this marriage plan.
I have learned that Rashid is divorced with four small children. I have also learned that he thinks he's God's gift to women. He has a high school diploma and runs a small business that my family owns. He is a womanizer who lives with his "secretary" but tells everyone she is "only a friend." (She's expecting his twins.) He has told everyone at the business that he's going to America to marry the owner's daughter. His secretary has told everyone that I was "too old" for him, and that she's the one he really wants.
My parents are unaware of all these facts and think Rashid would be a good husband. I have no interest in planning a future with a man of loose morals. I want my parents to stop planning this marriage. I want to date other men, but my parents have discouraged me from doing so. What should I do?
-- Wanting My Freedom In The USA
Dear Wanting My Freedom:
I don't know what is holding you back. You should be sharing these important facts with your parents instead of me. They may think Rashid is a prize, but he sounds more like a booby prize to me.
Four children from a previous marriage and two on the way are a lot to take on, let alone to swallow. Although there have been many successful arranged marriages, this one seems doomed from the outset.
I concur with my counterpart that you should make the information you have garnered known to your parents. It is possible that they do not know that the husband that they have chosen for you is your inferior both educationally, and morally. Not to mention the fact that you will be saddled with four small children upon entering the marriage, as well as a husband with a pregnant mistress. However - if they do know, or if upon learning this information they do not change their minds about this arrangement, you will have some very difficult choices to make.
What my esteemed counterpart has not mentioned to you is this: you are living in a country where no one can force you to get married to someone you do not wish to marry. Now - that said, it is not as easy as it looks in your situation. If you refuse this marriage, and your parents are very traditional, the pressure will be tremendous, and you must be prepared for the battle of the century. Further, they may never accept your decision. I know a few in similar situations who have had to leave their families entirely. Perhaps you can strike a balance, perhaps not.
However, you do have options: you are educated and have a good job, which means that you can move out and be self-supporting. It may come to that.
In the end, the choice is yours: keep silent, and accept an arrangement that from all appearances is doomed to failure and misery, or speak up, stand your ground and accept the responsibilities and consequences of personal freedom.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/