Message ID: btpce5$9sd6b$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I'm a 41-year-old woman who has been having a nine-year affair with "Anthony," a married man. I am also married, but I have been separated from my husband and two sons for four years.
When I tried to encourage Anthony to get a divorce to be with me, he asked me to wait until his children graduated from high school. After they got their diplomas, he begged me to "wait a little longer" until they graduated from college.
Well, you guessed it. His three children are all college graduates and on their own. Now Anthony says he "can't" get a divorce because his wife will get everything and he'll be ruined!
Abby, Anthony owns his own business. He had it before he married his wife. His wife is a professional with a pension that they could split 50/50. (I'll admit I haven't divorced my husband because I need health insurance, and I don't want to lose out on his pension if Anthony doesn't leave his wife and marry me.)
I have dated other men, married and single, to make Anthony jealous enough to leave his wife. It hasn't worked. I can't understand why his wife doesn't leave him. What do you think is going on here?
-- Needs To Move On In Scranton, Pa.
Dear Needs:
What's important is what's not going on here. You have willingly been played for a fool. Anthony has no intention of ever leaving his wife. Not only is she a tough cookie, she's a smart one. Wake up and smell the coffee. She has the title and the assets, and you'll always be playing second fiddle.
What, indeed, is going on here? What is going on here, Buttercup, is that your IQ wouldn't rate a respectable earthquake.
By now, if you had the brains that the gods gave a goat, it should be exceedingly obvious that you are the booty call and that Anthony has no interest in leaving his wife. Not now, not any time in the near future, not ever. Case closed.
So, now, let's focus on you. For the last four years you have been in the most enviable position of having your cake and eating it too. Namely, you have kept the security of your former marriage, while wasting your time and energy pursuing Mr. Wonderful who has also been able to have his cake and eat it too. You could of course leave things as they are, since you have reached an impasse. However, that could change at any time. I don't know why your husband has not started divorce proceedings, but bear in mind, that could start at any moment, and this sense of security you have about pension and health insurance is becoming exceedingly frail. Now, granted, there is always the possibility that your husband may be a greater fool than you, and may be waiting for you to come back and reconcile, though why he would is really beyond my comprehension. Your husband could move on himself without notice, and The Gravy Train will come to an end. You had best be prepared for that eventuality. It's about time that you left Never Never Land and began getting your life on track. Get off your butt and start doing something about your own circumstances.
Childfree Abby
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