Message ID: bu9q1u$ffi17$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am a 13-year-old girl, and I know I am not wanted. One night I heard my mom talking to her new boyfriend about wishing she had no kids so she could do things without having to sneak around.
Is it my fault that she doesn't want me? Please help me, Abby. You help so many other people -- please start with me.
-- Unwanted in Ottumwa, Iowa
Dear Unwanted:
None of this is your fault, and if your mother knew what you overheard, she would probably want her tongue amputated. I am sure she loves you very much. However, adults sometimes speak in "shorthand" -- and what she may have been trying to communicate to her boyfriend was that, overwhelmed with parental responsibilities, she was longing for the relative freedom of her youth.
Clip this column. Show it to your mother and let her explain the specific details to you -- after she apologizes, that is.
First off, I concur - it is not your fault that your mother was stupid enough to have a child without considering all the ramifications of having one. I would hazard a guess that your mother is relatively young, or at least had her first child at a young age if you are not her oldest. (I noticed that you used the term kids - plural- in your letter, and therefore think that you have siblings, either younger or older).
Having a child propels one into the adult realm with adult responsibilities, whether one is ready to assume those responsibilities or not. Though, I admit, I have always wondered just what sort of logic assumes that someone who is not responsible enough to use birth control is by default responsible enough to become a parent. I would also guess that many, many mothers in the situation of yours, Unwanted, deeply regret their parenthood, for the very same reasons your mother does: it is the end - of spontaneity, of socializing with friends and lovers - and often, the end of any future hopes and dreams. But this, Unwanted, again, is not your fault.
You did not ask to be born into this situation.
As for "clipping the column" and showing it to your mother, my esteemed counterpart, I fear, lives in a different reality. She does not accept the reality that there are many, many mothers who wish they were not, and truly do not want their children. No matter what your mother says after you show her this column, no matter how apologetic she seems - the damage has been done, and the trust has been broken. It will be a long time before it is mended, if ever.
Further, there is no guarantee that your mother will be at all contrite, and showing her the column may not garner any apology and may in fact make your situation worse. This is a brutal awakening you have had, Unwanted, and no child should ever have to go through it. But many have had, and many more will have this experience. The only thing that you can take from this is to learn from the mistakes your mother has made. Use birth control, do not have children that you will regret and resent, and make plans for your life beyond parenthood. You owe it to yourself.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/