Message ID: bumffd$jcchs$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
My husband and I have two children, ages 4 and 1. Both children are afraid of large dogs. We were invited to spend Christmas Day with a cousin who has two very large dogs that bark loudly and constantly. We advised our cousin that our children are afraid of dogs, and stated that we could only accept the invitation if she was willing to keep the dogs outside, or in a crate, during our visit. Our host agreed. After we arrived, the host decided that it was too cold to keep the dogs outside, and that the dogs were too "uncomfortable" in the crate. The dogs were permitted to roam freely around the house during our visit. Whenever the dogs came near our children, they barked loudly, and our children cried and screamed in terror. Although it was obvious, I reminded our host several times that the children were afraid of dogs. I was told that we should teach our children to "get used to being around dogs." Because I did not want to cause a scene on Christmas Day, I found a small room with a TV in it (away from where the guests were gathered), and put the children in there, closing the door so that the dogs could not get in. (There were no other small children present at this gathering.) In effect, my children spent Christmas Day "penned up," instead of the dogs. Am I wrong to feel my children were treated badly by our host? How should I handle future visits with this cousin? -- Not a Dog Lover in New York
Dear Not a Dog:
I agree, your children have been treated badly -- in part, by you. Not to be too hard on you here, but are you telling me you stuck a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old in a room by themselves at someone else's home and closed the door? I hope that you were in the room with them, because otherwise that sounds very unsafe, not to mention lonely for them.
When you take your children to visit people, your priorities should start with the health and safety of your kids. You should not let them scream in terror in order to make a point about how scary big dogs are. Nor should you shut them in a room in order to "avoid making a scene."
I have been persuaded by dog experts and dog owners that in every case you should consider dogs a member of the family that owns them. (This might not be your value system, it might not be mine; but trust me, it is the value system of the dog owner.) If you are visiting a family that has growling, snapping and frightening family members, you should not insist that the family members be penned up as a condition of your visit. Nor should you pen up your crying, screaming family members.
If you are determined to visit, you should do so with the understanding that it might be a very short stay if the family members bark too much and scare the kids. If a visit isn't working out (and visits with very young children often don't go as planned), you don't make a scene with the hosts about dog treaties that have been violated. You exit quickly and with little fanfare, even if it's Christmas and the dogs are barking, the kids are crying and you're exasperated.
There are several things going on here, and enough blame to go around on both sides.
You really should realize that the world does not revolve around your kids. You knowingly chose to go to a home where there are dogs. The dogs live there, you and your brood do not. That being said, it should be common sense to realize that the dogs would be present at some point in time. Your cousin is not in control of the environment, and it may well have been too cold to keep them outside, which would have constituted cruelty.
As for your cousin - if the dogs do indeed bark loudly and constantly - I have no doubt they will have heard from their neighbours about it - frequently and with enthusiasm. It behooves them as responsible pet owners to train and socialize their animals. Try to put it in this perspective: the dogs, like children, were probably overstimulated and excited by the visitors and the disruption of routine.
Here is an area where you both fell down - Both you and your cousin lost the opportunity to educate you children about dogs, and how to behave around them.
Something you may also not have considered - your children were the only children present. Shouldn't that have given you a bit of a clue about the gathering? Your children would likely have been bored to tears there anyway, and not to mention annoyed the hell out of the guests. I can speak from having attended several such gatherings, when surrounded by overstimulated screaming kids and their oblivious parents who were just too dumb to ask if other kids would be attending. Believe me, many's the time I've wished that they could be penned up in a room behind closed doors. Now before you wail "but it was Christmas, we couldn't leave them with a sitter!" Probably not, but you could have made a better choice - visit relatives with kids and without dogs. Or - you could have come later and left earlier. But instead, you chose to bring them into a place where you knew there was a strong possibility your kids would be (to say the least) uncomfortable and play the martyr yourself. Get over it.
Childfree Abby
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