Message ID: bup48v$ju2jm$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am a 24-year-old mother of a beautiful 5-year-old daughter, "Donna." I was married to her father for a year. When we divorced, Donna and I relocated 600 miles away to move in with my new boyfriend. A year later, I realized that the relationship was going nowhere, so Donna and I returned to our hometown.
Four months later, I met "Gary." We've been together for two years now. Gary loves Donna and she loves him. However, he recently told me he has no intention of marrying me.
Donna cries when Gary and I fight, and now I'm afraid that if I leave him, Donna will have major abandonment issues and not trust men when she is older.
I know I am not being fair to my daughter, and I worry about whether it's too late to make things better for her. I don't want to give up dating for good, but I feel hatred toward Gary every time I think about how easy it would be for him to pack up and never see us again. I love Donna and would give my life for her, but I am confused because if I didn't have her, I would have no problem with my relationship with Gary. It just seems so unfair.
Will my daughter resent me for the selfish decision I have made?
-- Mixed Up in Mississippi
Dear Mixed:
That remains to be seen. As it stands, you have had a flash of insight about your lifestyle and your responsibilities as a mother.
The time has come to start thinking like a mature adult. That means putting your daughter first and not rushing into intimate relationships. If I were you, I'd consider taking a sanity break from men for a while. When you resume, do not introduce your daughter to the people you're dating until you are sure they are sincere and honorable.
P.S. Since Gary won't guarantee a stable future for you and your child, end the relationship. This may seem harsh, but it will be less painful in the long run.
I think, Mixed up, it is appropriate for me to point out that Donna is not Gary's child. She the product of your union with her father. That Donna and Gary get along just fine is great, but it is not Gary's responsibility be a daddy to her. If he wanted to do so, then that's fine, but he is in no way obligated to do so. As for Gary not being "honourable", I think that my esteemed counterpart dealt him rather a low blow. He is being honest and truthful: he does not want to marry you and become responsible for you and your child, and has told you so. The only thing he did was NOT tell you that which you WANTED to hear. Since when did honesty become dishonourable?
As for Donna's abandonment issues, so far, there have been three men in her life: her father, some unnamed boyfriend, and now Gary, and she is only 5 years old. If at some point in time, she does have abandonment issues, they will not be because of these men; they will be caused by the fact that you have made some very poor choices. Further, the person she should not trust is you - along with your judgment - when it comes to men. In truth, though, I have to give you some credit: you, unlike a great many, have had enough sense not to reproduce with each one along the way. So, I am of the mind that there is some hope for you and your situation.
That being said, it behooves you to get your head out of your genitalia, and focus on your future and that of your daughter. The only people who are obligated to provide a stable future for her are you and your former husband. If he isn't in the picture and providing some form of support, it falls back on you to do it. You can't go running from man to man in the vague hope that he will provide the stability that you want and your daughter needs. Work on yourself, Mixed up, get yourself stable and your own life in order. I agree with the "sanity break": it is time to figure out just who you are and what you want before you bring some other dude into the house. You can't afford any more mistakes.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/