Message ID: bv60c1$od830$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I need some impartial advice. I am single, independent, a homeowner, 42 years old, have never been married and have been dating a man seven years younger than I for almost two years. I thought the age difference would be a problem but it isn't -- he treats me like a queen. One year into the relationship, my friend had to take custody of his two children, a 13-year-old boy and a 14-year-old girl, because his ex-wife was abusing them.
My own daughter is 17 and will be going away to college in a few months. I was really looking forward to moving into the twilight of my life when she leaves -- I'd marry this gentleman and we would ride off into the sunset, take trips and have fun.
If I proceed with this relationship, I will have to adopt his two children and go through those teen years all over again. My daughter wasn't horrendous, but she did give me a run for my money and the thought of dealing with all those raging hormones again (times two) is giving me the creeps.
My friend has made it clear that if we marry, we will all be moving in together -- he is now a package deal. When I sit down in a quiet corner by myself, I know deep down I don't want to deal with any more kids. Yet I love this man. It's not easy to find a good mate and he is a good guy.
Do you think I should end this relationship now before I waste any more time in a situation I know I don't want to be in? We've talked about this, and he keeps maintaining the remaining time they will live with us will go by really fast . . . yeah, right!
-- Melissa
Dear Melissa:
First I need to set you straight on something: In this country and in this century, 42 isn't exactly the threshold of your "twilight years." Your expectations and life-math skills need adjusting.
I appreciate your honesty, even though I hate the fact that you aren't thinking more about these kids, who have already had a tough enough life from the sounds of it. You're right -- kids are so much trouble. Raising teens can be hard, as you know. Step-parenting is extremely challenging, even when everyone is motivated to make things work. The last thing these kids need in their life is a stepmother who can't wait for them to get out of her hair so she can go on a twilight cruise.
Since you know for sure how you feel about it, I hope you'll end this relationship, and not because you'll "waste" any more of your time. Your time is of little consequence. I'm thinking about your guy's time and his children's time. They deserve someone in their life who will make a commitment to them for "better or for worse," and not just "for later -- when they're out of the house."
Once again my esteemed counterpart is on her high horse riding off into the sunset for "sake of the children and the family." Oh, it must be nice to live in her white picket fence reality, and she is bound and determined to send you on a guilt trip because you display some reticence to entering into a relationship with a man with two teenage children. Don't pack your bags, honey. You are very correct to think long and carefully about the ramifications this relationship will have for you.
Just as an thought, I really wonder if my counterpart would be as hard on a man who is vacillating about marrying a woman with two teenage kids as she is on you. After all, women are supposed to just loooooove being moms, and should leap at the chance of mothering more kids. It seems to me that she working awfully hard to make you feel as if you are deeply in the wrong for not jumping for joy at the opportunity parent what may be two very troubled kids.
Being a step-parent is not an easy row to hoe, it often has all of the pain and none of the (dubious) perks. While (unlike what my esteemed counterpart seems to think) you are not obligated to adopt these children you will see a lot of your resources being dedicated to them. Think of it this way: your money, your time and your energy will be devoted to raising these kids. Are you going to get an adequate return for your investment? Your friend may be a good mate and a nice guy, but the way "he has made it clear" sounds just a trifle high handed. He is also holding out that promise of time flying by like a carrot on a stick. It sounds very much as he either doesn't have a very firm grasp of reality or that if he repeats it enough, he will come to believe it too. The reality is, that you will be saddled with the majority of the work of caring for these kids.
Let's also take a look at this too: My esteemed counterpart seems to think that if you marry this man that you will step fully into the role of mother in the kids point of view too. All of you will settle down into the rose covered cottage ala "Brady Bunch" or "Yours Mine and Ours". Well, Hollywood not withstanding, it can happen, and just as often, it doesn't. For example, should your marriage to Mr Wonderful founder, these kids will have no further relationship with you either. Should Mr Wonderful be hit by a bus, or otherwise keel over, they are just as likely to spit on your shoes.
Being a step parent can work, but you have to want to be that step parent. And you have to decide if the benefits overcome the risk. Your gut instincts are telling you no that being a step parent here is biting off more than you can, or want to, chew. You have raised your child, and you don't want to raise anyone else's, and nor should you be obligated to do so. Listen to yourself.
Childfree Abby
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