Message ID: bvr5ac$10466a$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
My wife and I have been married for 17 years, and we have three great kids ages 15, 12 and 3. I come from a very close family and have two sisters that I can share just about anything with, whereas my wife comes from a family that is not as warm and shares recipes rather than emotional situations. It appears that our being raised in two different households is taking its toll.
My wife has no passion for our relationship. There is no spontaneity. There is no cuddling, and, yes, there is no lovemaking. I cannot remember the last time my wife approached me about making love, and when I asked her about it just a few weeks ago, she said she doesn't need sex, so therefore we don't have any.
Several years ago we went through a similar stage, and we spoke with a marriage counselor who told my wife that despite the importance of raising our children (my wife is a homemaker), she cannot stop the nutrition process of our relationship. That worked for a short time, but we're back at the same thing again and it is getting old fast.
I do not believe that there is anybody else, nor am I looking for anybody else; I'm not seeking daily encounters or weekly encounters. What I am looking for is a relationship with my lover and not just the mother of our children. How do I get the message across that our relationship and needs cannot be ignored and that a little recognition goes a long way?
-- Need Nutrition
Dear Need:
According to Michele Weiner Davis, author of "The Sex Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido" (2004,Simon & Schuster), one in three marriages has a "sexual desire gap" -- and it's not just women who have low libido; she says that men suffer from it at about the same rate as women. Davis says that "often, the spouse with the low desire doesn't realize how deeply it affects the partner. The person not having sex usually feels fine about it."
The trick here is for you to get your wife to work on altering a situation she may feel doesn't need changing. Unfortunately, she may think this is about sex when for you it's about affection and passion, and I hope you can convey that to her.
"Healthy marriages are based on mutual care-taking, and sex should be a collaborative decision," Davis says.
You can't have a collaborative decision without having a conversation. It's so sad to think that your wife would be married to you for 17 years and mother to your three children and yet so willing to emotionally abandon you. Aren't you wondering what she gets from this relationship, when such important components are missing?
In my view, you need to insist that she go back to counseling, where the two of you will search for a common emotional ground; I certainly hope you find it.
Welcome to a reality that a lot of childed couples find themselves: The wife, upon the arrival/raising of children comes to the conclusion on some level that her job is complete - she is mother and housekeeper, and the role of being your lover and partner becomes a distant third. Eventually, being lover and partner drops off the horizon entirely.
After Husband realizes that his role in the relationship is "walking wallet" this usually plays out in one of three ways: 1) husband resigns himself to a life devoid of affection and warmth and continues the life of misery: 2) husband in a search for something resembling human warmth and affection -not to mention sex - indulges in a series of affairs: Or 3) husband eventually finds someone else to share his life and leaves his wife. In the case of options two (should his wife find out) and three, the wife gets to play the greviously wounded party - Faithful Wife, shamefully abandoned by her husband after years of marriage and raising his children. This plays well in court, and husband usually finds himself stripped naked in the subsequent divorce. Of course, the fact that the wife emotionally abandoned her husband years ago almost never comes to light, and in truth, few would care about that at all.
Yes, you can go to counselling, but as you have seen, your wife really has no interest in making any long term changes or commitments to change. She may potter along for a while, but since that is something she really has no interest in, or a clear understanding why she should maintain it, it will not come naturally to her. Eventually she will stop and you will be back where you are now.
So, ask yourself, Nuts, is this where you want to be?
You have to make some choices, is it door number 1, 2, or 3? Or..if you are smart, you can use a 4th option - get out now before falling victim to options 2 or 3, and before the intertia of 1 sets in. You can still be a parent to your children, and be free to pursue your own happiness too.
Move on, Nuts... your wife already has.
Childfree Abby
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