Message ID: c00kfs$11rhti$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
My husband and I have a good marriage and two wonderful daughters. We would love to have another child some day. However, my husband is 48 and I am 34. My husband is very active and fit with no desire to ever retire. I am also healthy and am in my second year of nursing school. We are also financially stable with decent savings. By the time I graduated and would be ready to have a baby, my husband would be 51 or 52 years old.
Is this too old to father a child? Would it be fair to the baby to have a dad who is older than those of his or her friends' parents and would be 70 when the child is in college?
We are loving parents and have always dreamed of having three kids, but would my husband's age hurt the child, biologically or emotionally?
-- Rachelle
Dear Rachelle:
The fact is your husband, at 51 or 52, wouldn't necessarily stand out because of his age. Hang around any playground and you'll see any number of men (and women) who seem to straddle the generations. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, in 1980 4.5 percent of all children born in the U.S. had fathers 40 or older. By 2001 that number had grown to 7.3 percent. You can turn to some examples if you need proof that older dads can also be cool: Former Beatle Paul McCartney became a new dad at 60.
Many older dads say that what they may lose in vigor as they age, they make up for in terms of their maturity and perspective on life. As a family you need to decide how you feel about the possibility that your husband won't be around for as much of this experience as with your other kids.
In terms of what having an older dad might mean to your future family, I can only add that lucky children who are born into loving families adore their parents regardless of their age and stage.
Let me point something out to you that should be painfully obvious: you are in nursing school now, and you plan to kick off your career by getting pregnant. That's a helluva way to get a good start on the profession. May I ask you, since you obviously haven't asked yourself, why you are wasting your time and money getting a professional certification that you obviously don't really intend to use? Not to mention taking a place in class away from someone who may actually want to work after graduation?
I can see it now - get a job, get pregnant, take a year of maternity leave... you can see where this is going.
Sunshine, you already have two children, for cripes sake. While you and your husband are in good health, that can change in an instant. Not to mention the fact that nursing is a very demanding profession - physically and mentally - and you will be getting closer to 40 than 30 by the time you are supposedly ready to get pregnant, and your energy levels just won't be the same as they are now.
Furthermore, while your husband may not have any plans to retire at this point, that can change - either by circumstance or by choice. I disagree with my counterpart: "Older Dads" are not cool, to be honest, I think they are kind of pathetic. Almost like they have to prove to the world "Look, my dick still works." Just because the demographics are starting to reflect older parents does not mean these parents are making particularly smart decisions, or that they will be overjoyed at the choice they have made once the reality sets in. Further - with respect to Paul McCartney and the rest of the cadre of celebrate Geriatric Dads - not everyone can afford that rarified lifestyle with gobs of money and hot and cold running nannies.
I also really have to ask the question: is the desire to have a child really a "we decision" or a "me decision"? Something to think about.
Childfree Abby
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