Message ID: c0lecr$188k9f$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I got a divorce on Valentine's Day 2000 after a two-year separation. I had three children during my 17-year marriage. My ex-wife hung on so long during the divorce process that I basically agreed to pay her whatever she wanted to get the divorce over with. Child support, alimony for five years and a lump-sum settlement.
In the spring of 2001 I had a first date with a woman whom I'd known for a month or two. The date ended up with the two of us in bed. Because of my desperation at the other situation, I did what I shouldn't have done. Anyway, the contraceptive failed us, and the woman became pregnant. The baby was born in February 2002. The mom is nice but wants nothing to do with me other than the child support. (I requested a DNA test, and the baby is mine.)
The mom and I were not in love and saw no reason to "try." After a lot of counseling, I moved forward with my life and am now living with a 33-year-old (I am 45) who has a son.
I have to pay child support on my original three kids, and the fourth gets 20 percent of what's left of my income. That's over 50 percent of my income going towards the welfare of others. Even though I earn over $100,000 a year, I have no money and no retirement (my ex-wife got it all).
I feel like I live in a work-release program. My current girlfriend and I talk of marriage, but I keep telling her she's nuts. I will be paying support until I'm in my 60s! I love the person I'm with but am really concerned for her future.
Should we take a chance and make this crazy situation work or are we better off on our own?
-- Unlucky (and Broke)
Dear Unlucky:
Happy Valentine's Day. I guess there isn't much chance that your cautionary tale will be clipped and inserted into romantic cards today, but maybe it should be.
If you do decide to get married, arriving at a prenuptial agreement with your gal would ease some of your financial worries. You need to ensure that your future income would be shielded from claims by her so you can continue to support all of your children, and as unromantic as this notion is, I believe that in this case, it is vital.
Part of your understanding here should involve a commitment from her that she will contribute financially to the household and continue to support her son. I would add that, depending on her earning power, her income could ease your present burden.
For more information on prenuptial agreements, check out "Prenups for Lovers: A Romantic Guide to Prenuptial Agreements" (2001, Villard Books) written by lawyer Arlene Dubin.
More important even than the marriage issue between the two of you is the question of whether she wishes to have more children and how you feel about that. Keep in mind everything you know about your virility, a woman's irrepressible biological clock and the fact that hers hasn't even started ticking yet.
I certainly hope that you continue to be cautious as well as willing to talk this through with a counselor. Since therapy worked for you before, it would be good to keep going, this time with your current partner in the room.
But finally, let me make a pitch here for the idea that crazy situations sometimes do work, along with my own desire to believe that people who take a chance on love often find they've made the best gamble there is.
Amy Dickinson
Prenup could mean a happier Valentine's Day
Published February 14, 2004
If you didn't want any more kids, why didn't you get a vasectomy? Better still, why don't you get a vasectomy? A short trip to the urologist, and an outpatient procedure will give you one hell of a lot more relief and a greater sense of security than all the prenups ever written.
And to be honest, if I were the woman you were living with, I would be seriously more concerned about the ramifications on my income by marrying you. After all, her income could wind up being used towards supporting your other four sprogs and that would have me running as far and as fast as I could from you.
Oh yes, incidently, I don't buy your contention of "Because of my desperation at the other situation, I did what I shouldn't have done." What desperation? A fatal case of blue balls? Have news for you, Bud, desperation never killed any man, regardless of however many men have whined about it. However, the little head doing the thinking for the big one, as seems to be your situation, really has long lasting ramifications.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/