Message ID: c0tgn2$1bm0f6$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
On 11 Feb 2004 23:45:05 -0800, xxxx@yahoo.com (Spense) wrote:
Hi, I'm a new poster here, and I was wondering if anyone can give me some advice.
My fiancee and I have been dating for almost seven years. She told me at first that she might want to have one child, but now in the last two years she seems to have changed her mind, and decided that she absolutely does NOT want them. Now, she's even consulting with her doctor about getting a tubal ligation - !!!
Other than this, she's an incredibly organized and responsible person, who works full-time, paints, plays softball, and was an honor student in college. She manages all our finances, is a great cook, and always manages to keep everyone's birthdays and anniversaries straight - you know the type. I just see so many signs of a nurturing, maternal side to her - she loves animals, and my nieces and nephews all adore her. I think she would be a fantastic mother, the kind of woman who makes it all look easy.
She's only 27 (I am 31) and I can't imagine that a woman that young can know absolutely what she wants to do with the rest of her life. How can she completely discount the idea that she might change her mind completely when she's 35, or 40? I've heard so many stories about women who turn 35 and suddenly ache to have a baby. Both my sisters used to say they didn't want kids - and now they both have them.
My fiancee is the oldest of nine kids, and both her parents and three of her sisters have been on medication for depression while she was growing up. She's now saying that she's sick of taking care of other people. Her mother had mental problems after her three youngest brothers were born, and now she's saying she's afraid that will happen to her.
The thing is, I'm really starting to want a child NOW - I've gotten to where it bothers me to see her take her birth control pill in the mornings. She knows how badly I want a baby, so it's like she's rejecting me every time she swallows one. She's gotten very withdrawn since I've started talking about children - we used to make love all the time (sorry to overshare), and now, she says all I can talk about is how I want to conceive a child, and it's a turn-off.
Last night she told me that she was considering breaking off our engagement over this. She even said to me - and this REALLY hurt - "I already have enough to worry about just taking care of you."
I really am desperately in love with this woman, and can't imagine what my life would be like without her. I can't imagine how destroyed I would be if she left me. I sit there and look at that beautiful face, and wonder, if she loves me, then why won't she have my baby? Why won't she truly commit to our relationship? Why does she want to destroy her fertility, when so many women would love to be healthy and probably fertile? Why won't she *even consider* the possibility that she might love our child, and come to want it as much as I do? It seems like the world is full of women who would love to have babies - except the one I actually want to marry.
Sorry, maybe I'm just ranting, but I'm still in shock. Has anyone ever been in this situation? What did you do? How did it turn out? Any advice is welcome :(
Regards,
Spense
I think you really should remove the blinders here. You seem to have arrived at the conclusion that the only way to love and have a successful relationship is to have a child; that somehow your fiancé must "prove" her love and commitment to you by having one.
Think about it, dude: from your letter, you seem to view having a child as sunshine, roses, butterfly kisses, an unending series of saccharine "Kodak moments" as you all sail off into a white picket fence sunset.
Your fiancé, who after being the oldest of nine, yes nine, children, has a much clearer vision of what child raising is all about - shitty diapers, sleepless nights and unending cycle of drudgery. She's been there, done that, doesn't want to do it again - and no one, certainly not you, can gainsay that. From your own description, she does all the care and maintenance of your relationship now, and you expect her to shoulder this burden too? Not to mention the fact that she, and rightly so, doesn't want to play russian roulette with a familial pre-disposition towards depression. I find that your pressure to have a child in spite of this pre-disposition to be narcissistic and selfish to the extreme. Never mind the misery that the child will have, as long as you have your own little mini- me.
She is 27 years old, and you wonder how at that young age she can know she doesn't want a child - yet, if she said she wanted one, you would have no problem with that. You say that at 27 years old she is not old enough to know her mind, and yet, you expect her to make a life long commitment to you? Can't you see the lack of logic here? You only seem to think of her as too young to know her mind when she makes the choices that you don't want her to make. Personally, I find your "I know best" attitude to be extremely offensive, and have no doubt that she does too.
You also seem to be taking the fact that she doesn't want to produce your DNA replicant as a personal rejection. Trust me, Spense, it has nothing to do with you and it won't be a personal rejection unless *YOU* choose to make it one. It has to do with life choices: she doesn't want to have a baby with anyone, and loving you or not loving you has nothing to do with that. Another thing you should understand - the lack of desire to have a child in no way means lack of commitment to the relationship - unless you view commitment as "barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen".
As for this "Why won't she *even consider* the possibility that she might love our child, and come to want it as much as I do?" Face it, what you really mean is "why doesn't she do as I want her to, since I am right?" She already has considered it, and has decided that it is not worth the risk. What is she going to do if once the kid gets here and she finds that she doesn't like it, and doesn't want it? She can't stuff it back, you know.
In closing, Spense, I think you should re-evaluate what you have right here. You love this woman, you don't want to imagine your life without her. Yet, every time you resent her taking a birth control pill, you are pushing her away. It boils down to this - you can pursue your dreams of fatherhood, or you can have this relationship, but you can't have both. Make up your mind.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/