Message ID: c1fvu6$1iap49$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I have been married to "Bobby" for 10 years. We have four beautiful children and very successful careers.
The problem is he recently started taking weekend trips. His explanation is that he "needs to clear his mind."
I recently discovered that he is having an affair with a young lady who is 18. He is 31. The young lady knows we are married and have four children. Apparently, this does not bother her. She is a college student. I have found love letters, cards and sex games in my husband's possession in the past four months.
I have tried to deal with this, but it is stressing me out. I pray this relationship will end. Will my husband come to his senses and realize his weekend rendezvous are a dead-end street?
-- Damaged Heart
Dear Damaged:
Well, nothing "clears the mind" quite like a full-fledged affair.
I'm all in favor of the power of prayer, but don't you think you should be a little more pro-active here? Of course this is stressing you out. I'm sure you must be devastated. But the time for gathering evidence and waiting for your husband to come to his senses is over.
I think you should contact a lawyer and a marriage counselor. Give your husband a choice over which professional service the two of you will be using. I'd like to stress that marriages can and do recover from this sort of betrayal, but only if the two of you can get it together and actively try. I hope for all of your sakes that you will.
Amy Dickinson
Give husband choice: Lawyer or counselor
Published February 24, 2004
Your husband is 31 years old, and you have been married for 10 years. This means that he was 21 years old when you got married, and you were probably around that age too. And you have 4 "beautiful" children. Now your husband is having an affair with another woman.
While Abby does not condone or excuse his behavior, she certainly understands it, because Damaged, your name is Legion. If there was ever a parable about the dangers of breeding too soon and too abundantly this is it. The scenario probably goes like this: Boy and Girl fall in love - or something - and decide to get married. Girl may or may not be pregnant at the time, but it is likely she is. Boy and Girl go on, and since neither one of these Einsteins can figure out the intricacies of birth control or have decided to let Gawd(TM) choose the size of their family, the kids keep arriving and now there are four of them under the age of 10. Wifey is devoted to her kids, and frequently forgets that there is a husband, Or Hubby just gets plain tired of the unending din, lack of intimacy or even just time to himself (the words "clear his mind" speak volumes here) and bingo! he begins an affair with another woman.
So, what is the attraction of this other woman? Probably several: she is young, (though that is not necessarily the attraction that some might think it to be), she is unencumbered (no kids) and she may simply be fun to be with, and give him the attention he craves. Abby thinks, all in all, that the main attraction here is the chance to spend time with someone without being surrounded by four clamouring "beautiful" children.
So, what do you do now, Damaged? You do have some options, yes, you can confront him and suggest counselling - which may or may not work, depending on whether or not you both feel that the marriage is worth salvaging. Or, you can head for divorce court, in which case, Abby really hopes you do have a successful career, because, statistically speaking, your income will go down when you divorce, even if you get maintenance for a while, and child support. Or, you can continue to pray the affair will end - and prepare yourself for the next one. In short, Damaged, put up or shut up.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/