Message ID: c228eg$1o2li6$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am 22. My fiancé, "David," is 23. We are both busy with our internships, working and finishing our degrees. David and his older brother live at home, but now that we are planning a wedding and preparing our apartment, he sometimes spends the evening with me -- having dinner, planning, doing homework, etc. Occasionally he stays over. This has caused his mother, "Vonda," to freak out.
Vonda says she's not used to him being away from home. My apartment is only a mile away. She makes a big fuss about him not eating dinner with them or not calling to let her know his plans. She constantly tries to make us feel guilty about not spending more time with them. But at 23, neither David nor I think her requests are appropriate.
Two days ago Vonda e-mailed my parents and accused them of allowing me to do whatever I want. It's ridiculous, because I have lived on my own for three years and my parents have no part in this. It's almost like she doesn't take us seriously and that's why we're being treated like children.
The next few months are supposed to be for us to plan our wedding. I don't want to have to deal with this. I don't even want to be in the presence of David's parents now because of their lack of respect and civility.
Must I tolerate his mother's behaviour? Am I compelled to spend time in his parents' house?
-- Turned Off In Toledo
Dear Turned Off:
David's mother appears to be suffering from acute separation anxiety. Both of her adult sons still live under her roof and eat at her table. She looks at you -- an independent woman -- and sees a worldly rival "who's allowed to do whatever she wants," stealing her boy away.
David is long overdue for a serious talk with his parents. While, in a sense, he will always be "their little boy," he is a man now and will soon be striking out on his own. However, if he's not going to be home for dinner and plans to stay the night at your place, it would be considerate of him to let his parents know.
Must you tolerate Vonda's behaviour? Yes, for the time being. Are you compelled to spend time with your future in-laws? You will if you're as smart as I think you are. There's much to be gained from strong family ties. I have a hunch Vonda feels very isolated right now. A step in the right direction would be for you to ask her for some input on those wedding plans.
Jeanne Phillips
Mother fights letting go of `boy'
Published March 2, 2004
Toledo, you got trouble, you really got trouble, and that starts with "T" and that rhymes with "V" and that stands for "Vonda".
Vonda is one of those classic clinging vine type mothers whose fascination with her sons borders on the incestuous, not to mention having a severe case of denial of the fact that her children are grown. She is not acting rationally, and, it is not going to get better without some sort of intervention. She will use every trick in the book to guilt out and otherwise undermine your relationship with "David". Case in point being that e-mail to your parents: there was no excuse for that. None.
That said, certain things are reasonable since he does live under their roof, such as a phone call saying "I won't be home for dinner tonight." That really is only common courtesy, and Vonda does not have any reason to freak out over it. However, if David does not exercise that, you can expect him to treat you in the same manner.
Do you have to tolerate her behaviour? To be honest, no. You owe her courtesy, and consideration; there is no need to go out of your way to aggravate the situation, but likewise she owes the same to you. Vonda is acting jealously and irrationally, and pandering to those moods is not going to "cure" her.
But I do have a question for you: What is David doing about this situation besides "thinking her requests are inappropriate"?
From your letter, I get the impression, not much. And from that does arise another question - why not? This is not something you should be battling alone - David needs to grow some backbone to stand up to his mother in this issue. If you do not present a united front now, the situation will not improve after the wedding and your married life will be hell. If David does not, that is a major red flag in the relationship, and you had best reconsider any long term commitment with this man. You need some one who will stand beside you in partnership, not avoid the issue and just hope it will go away.
It's best to find out now if his name is David or Oedipus Rex.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/