Message ID: c27k74$1oafn2$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I have been married for over 11 years. My marriage was a dream come true and appears to be ideal, with a loving husband, a big house, nice jobs, fancy vacations and now two children.
A twist of fate started seven years ago when I was reunited with an old friend from high school. Within a year we became intimate and very attached. We tried to stop seeing each other, but our separations wouldn't last.
Four years ago I got pregnant with my second child.
It turns out the child is not my husband's. My friend wanted me to divorce my husband but could only offer his love and companionship and not the marriage or lifestyle I now have.
I was scared of starting over in life. My secret relationship and all communication with my friend ended shortly after I gave birth. No one has any idea of our affair.
I recently was in contact with him after 2 1/2 years. We still love each other, and I don't think I can live without him. I feel so guilty about my feelings that I cause a lot of arguments in my marriage. I mentioned divorce to my husband, so now we see a marriage counsellor. It has been helping.
The problem is the entire story isn't out in the open. I know I really messed up. Help!
-- Hiding a Secret in My Dream Marriage
Dear Hiding:
"Messing up" is when you overdraw on your checking account. Your story takes the concept of messing up to a whole new level.
Marriage counselling can't work until you tell the unvarnished truth. Until you tell the truth, your marriage is really just a lifestyle arrangement. You can't be truly intimate with your husband if he doesn't know the most important thing about you -- even though knowing it will cause both of you considerable heartbreak and even though knowing it might end your dream marriage (though it might not).
I don't know how you can truly love the guy who knows he has a child out there -- and walks away. I suspect that this love affair of yours would cool considerably if you really did leave your husband, and maybe you suspect that, too -- which is why you stay in the marriage.
I think you should arrange to see your marriage counsellor one-on-one to disclose your big secret; your counsellor can help you through the disclosure process with your husband. You should also consult a lawyer to sort out the potential issues raised by your son's paternity.
Amy Dickinson
Let counsellor in on secret about affair
Published March 4, 2004
Buttercup, you may call it a "Lifestyle" marriage but the plain unvarnished truth is that you are in the marriage for money. Your husband loves you, and deep down really thinks that you love him. You are going through the motions of counselling, knowing full well that the only thing keeping you in the marriage is not the man involved but rather the fancy house, vacations, and all the other trappings.
Prostitution is more honest.
I agree with my esteemed counterpart to a point. Your lover offered you love and companionship, but not the $$$. If you left your marriage, the relationship on the side might well cool, but not due to what she thinks. You have made your priorities very clear: you are in it for the bucks, and if there are none, you are not interested. I do, however, find her comment of "I don't know how you can truly love the guy who knows he has a child out there -- and walks away" very unfair. What was he supposed to do? Your relationship with him was clearly a dead end: you wouldn't leave your well feathered nest. Was he supposed to storm the castle gates, announce to your husband that he was the father of the child in question and demand visitation rights, thereby destroying the lifestyle that you wanted to protect? Was that supposed to make you run into his arms? No, he left you with what you wanted - your money, big house and fancy vacations.
Honesty is in order: to yourself, to the man you married, and to the marriage itself. You can't have your cake and eat it too. It is time you started taking some responsibility.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/