Message ID: c2a83i$1qukvk$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I've always been the type of liberal girl who didn't care about money or the salary of her partner. I've never discriminated, having seriously dated a lawyer, a doctor, a pizza delivery guy and now my current boyfriend, who I believe is the proverbial "One." We have an intense passion and respect for one another and a sense of humor only we understand in each other. He is the man of my dreams and very intelligent.
However, he is a former repeatedly laid-off IT manager who is now doing PC desktop support for a small company and earning less than 30K a year. Since he has been laid off several times from his "dream jobs" in the past few years, he is now overcome by fear of stepping out and looking for a job and a salary worthy of his abilities. He constantly complains about how he can barely afford his living expenses and can never take me out. The look of embarrassment and regret he has on his face when I pay for our dinners and outings is truly painful to watch. Most of the time we just stay in with a video, although I've never been the homebody type. I constantly console him and attempt to build his confidence, even helping him rework his résumé for a few job openings, all for which he ultimately didn't even apply.
My conflict culminates in "the ring incident." We've been talking about getting married for a few months now -- mind you, not paying for a wedding, but just marriage in general. I've never wanted an elaborate wedding, or a large ring for that matter, partly since family help is out of the question. I've always accepted I would have to pay for it by myself. After some searching, I finally found a ring thatwas perfect: tasteful, beautiful and only $500 (yes, there are only two zeros). I wa so excited to show him that he willingly came with me to see it. His reaction was particularly painful: "It's OK, but I expected it to be prettier. How much is it? Five hundred? Oh, don't even think about it, it will take me two years to save for it."And, after a short pause that I attribute to shock, I burst into tears right at the jewelry counter with the realization that I'm going to seal my nuptials with a cubiczirconia ring from Wal-Mart. (Much to my horror, he has on two occasions dragged me over to the Wal-Mart jewelry counter extolling the virtues of CZ and how much it looks like the real thing.)
What's a girl to do? Accept, contrary to what she has believed all her life, that money does matter? Give in to the superficial desires and demand he get a better job to buy me a $500 ring? Or, as he suggests, agree that our love is our most expensive yet valuable asset, not a ring or a Kodak wedding? What about providing for the six children he fantasizes about having -- who is going to pay for them? Is his lack of ambition worth giving him an ultimatum, which I dread?
Polyester Bride
Dear Polyester Bride,
I love it that you say your love is your "most expensive yet valuable asset, not a ring or a Kodak wedding." Knowing that will help you through rough times. But your feelings about money are just as deep and important as your feelings about each other; your love will not magically erase your conflicts over money.
My heart goes out to you for crying there at the counter. I think your boyfriend blew it. While it's not necessarily a good idea to saddle yourselves with a marriage debt that takes years to pay off, there are moments when you've got to forget about could have played along. It wouldn't have hurt. He didn't have to agree to buy the ring, but he could have responded to your joy with optimism, hope and good humor. Instead, he couldn't rise above his own concern about money. I imagine your feelings were pretty hurt.
So he's got troubling feelings about money and that's understandable. He had some bad experiences that were beyond his control. Nevertheless, he's got to find a way to rise above it. But he can't rise above it without understanding the context. There was an economic boom, remember? It created wholesale distortions in the economy and thus in the hopes and expectations of young people. It fed unrealistic dreams; it rewarded arrogance and punished caution.
The boom of the '90s introduced a lot of strange, anomalous conditions into the lives of smart young people. For the first time in human history, writers did not work as bike messengers and graduate students did not drive cabs. It was weird. You're supposed to suffer and starve and work as a lackey for gruff, intolerant mentors for years, wishing they would die or get fired so you could advance. Out of this experience grows the next generation of gruff, intolerant mentors. Instead, talented people got jobs with enormous responsibilities and enormous salaries right out of the gate.
It couldn't last, and of course it didn't. Had your boyfriend not risen so fast and been rewarded so extravagantly, he would not feel so wounded now. But perhaps he thinks if he had only had enough moxy and determination and grit, he would have triumphed. If so, he needs to see that he's been had. He was swindled.
But to see that he's been swindled, he's got to admit that he bought into it. He allowed his sense of self-worth and entitlement to be falsely inflated. To put it bluntly, he was a sucker. We were all suckers.
As long as he still believes that his fall was a personal failure, he's going to feel shame and misplaced anger. His anger should be at the people who victimized him, not at himself. If he had some basic working-class values, he might find it easier to see this.
But that's what we lost in the boom, along with all that money. Before the '80s Wall Street greed thing and then the '90s tech boom, before the decimation of manufacturing, when unions were still strong, a guy's fortunes could rise and fall, but it seems to me there was less shame about just getting by. San Francisco in the 1970s had proud working-class ethos.
The importance of a working-class ethos is to realize that your fate is not entirely in your hands, that there are powerful people working against your interests. In fact, as recent scandals illustrate, honest workers have been the victims of enormous, unprecedented white-collar crimes. So it might help your boyfriend to think through all this. True, he's been had. But we've all been had. He needn't feel ashamed. He should feel like calling the police.
The bright side of the relationship between your relationship and money is that solid marriages and personal economic improvement go together. Things are going to get better if you stick with it. So I say stick with it. Don't give him an ultimatum. Struggle through this together. It's bigger than both of you.
Cary Tennis
Romantic Reality
Salon
March 5, 2004
The French, practical people that they are about matters of love, have a saying that goes something to the effect of "if money does not come in the front door, love flies out the window." And they are right - squabbles and arguments over money have destroyed a great many relationships, and will continue to do so. That said, it is not your attitude towards money that is the source of the problem here. It is your boyfriend's attitude that is the real problem. His issues about money are merely the symptom - indeed, just the tip of the iceberg.
Not to trivialize, but life has indeed handed him some very hard knocks. It easy to fall from so great a height - but cold comfort though it is, he is not alone. There are many, many people in his situation, who through no fault of their own find themselves out of former "perfect" jobs, and take the issue very, very personally. It is a severe blow to their self confidence, and they blame themselves deeply. Get kicked a few times when you are down and it is indeed very hard even to try again. Believe me, I know - been there, done that and hated every moment, and myself too.
Regardless of that, life goes on. While the dot.com boom won't happen again, and that is something that your boyfriend is going to have to come to terms with it.
A vital key to your boyfriend's issues is the episode of at the jewellry counter. I will admit that 500 is not a great amount of money to spend on an engagement ring, if such things are important to you. (My symbol of commitment to Mr Abby is a sterling silver reproduction of a 15th century posey ring that cost about $100. I could not treasure it more and diamonds just don't do it for me.) My counterpart is correct, he could have responded with optimism and hope. but he did not. He chose to crush your feelings with his own issues and self pity. What is even more enlightening is how he drags you off to the walmart counter "extolling the virtues of CZ and how much it looks like the real thing." It seems to me that those external trappings are very much important to him. He can't afford a big ring, though he wants to look like he can. He has big wishes and dreams, but right now, thats as far as it goes. He is doing nothing to bring them closer to a reality.
The thing is, its not what he does for a living, or really how much he makes that is the issue right now - it's how he is reacting to his situation. Literally, he has stopped trying, then looks "sorrowful and embarrassed when you pick up a bill." This is not to say that in any relationship, there is give and take, Mr Abby has supported me when I couldn't fine a job, and I supported him when after 33 years he was told that "his services were no longer required" and while he was in school for two years after that, and then until he found a job (and he kicked butt in the top 25 % of his class, in a high intensity electical engineering tech course over students 30 years younger than him, thankyouverymuch.) My point being, he never gave up. Your boyfriend has. That is the attitude he has got to change if your relationship is going to work, because it is poisoning him, and will eventually poison your relationship. Not every relationship is based on the "Male as major breadwinner model", and indeed, many successful ones are not. But, it has to be something you both agree on.
It's not lack of ambition your boyfriend is suffering from, rather, he is drowning himself in a well of self pity and self loathing. You have to realize, however much he protests to the contrary, anyone who does not love himself cannot truly love anyone else in a healthy manner. All to often, in these situations, what is seen as "love" is, in reality, co-dependency. You have been supportive of him in any way you can, but to continue the well analogy, you can throw him a rope, but if he does not want to take hold of it, you cannot help him. Unless your particular kink is that of being a "rescuer" you can't be the "mommy" in this relationship forever. In the end, if he continues along this route, you will come to hate him as much as he hates himself. Ultimately, only you can decide when this relationship is taking out of you than you can give.
Is an ultimatum the answer? Perhaps, perhaps not. But a long conversation about these issues is certainly in order.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/