Message ID: c2sgpl$21fuui$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am 30 years old and have been married for four years. I have known since I was a teenager that I never wanted to have children. My husband was well aware of this when we met, dated and married.
His sister gave birth to a baby boy last summer, and suddenly my husband has changed his mind and wants children too.
I know I am not parent material. I do not want my life to be defined by children, nor do I want to give up the lifestyle I enjoy to raise them. What can I do? Is a divorce pending?
-- Childless By Choice In Florida
Dear C.B.C.:
While parenthood can be joyful and rewarding, it requires commitment and sacrifice. The bundle from heaven cannot be returned to sender if the recipients change their minds. It would be interesting to see if baby-sitting for his nephew would change your husband's mind -- or yours. However, if you cannot come to a meeting of the minds, a divorce may indeed be on the horizon.
Usually, in a relationship, the female half is the one stricken with "baby rabies", not the male. However, exceptions to the rule can, and obviously, do exist. I rather suspect most times when the male of the pair gets the baby itch, and says "Lets have a baby!", what he really means is "You have the baby, be primarily responsible for all the care, and work involved, let your career be the one that gets put on hold, and I'll help out with it on the weekends, maybe." Not to sound sexist, but the truth of the matter is that the majority of the time, men are utterly clueless about such things. Crappy diapers, middle of the night feedings, exhaustion, the demise of intimacy (not to mention sex) and the end of the spontaneity he currently enjoys just don't enter into the kodak world that he sees as reality.
You have, C.B.C., reached what is known as a "deal breaker". Your only hope is to give him a cold hard shot of the reality of daily parenting. My esteemed counterpart has suggested "baby sitting" the nephew. Good idea, and I would add a further embellishment: let the baby sitting mean that he and he alone is totally responsible for all the care - feeding, washing, entertaining, putting to bed, *everything*. You don't lift a finger. It may work. It may not. If it doesn't then, knowing yourself as you do, you're only other alternative is to say to him, "I don't want kids, I know I am not parenting material. You obviously find yourself to be incomplete without them. I am sorry that the relationship we have and the love between us is not enough for you. However, I will not tie you to a relationship that that will not satisfy you. Good Luck, goodbye, and may you find what you are looking for."
Childfree Abby
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