Message ID: c2sgpl$21fuui$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am a 28-year-old mother of three. I have been married to their father, "Carl," for eight years.
Every two years, Carl decides he no longer wants to be a family man and packs up and leaves. When he goes, he leaves me destitute. I am a stay-at-home mom with only a high school degree.
Carl feels he should have to give us money only after his own needs/wants have been taken care of, and then only the amount he chooses. The most he will dole out is $50 to $100 at a time.
This time when he left, I warned him I'd file for child support. We were on speaking terms, and he said he loved me and wanted us to reunite. That was until he was served with the support papers. Now he refuses to return my calls until I drop the suit. I love Carl, but I can't let him withhold support from our children. He has a good job, so there is no reason for this.
Am I unreasonable? Should I drop the suit? I want our family back together, but I'm afraid he'll leave again. What should I do?
-- Needs Support In Texas
Dear Needs Support:
For the sake of your children, do not allow yourself to be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed. Take your cues from your lawyer. Once a fair amount of child support has been established in a court of law or by mediation, offer Carl the option of marriage counseling. If he's sincere about wanting to reconcile, he will agree.
If he returns, I urge you to use that opportunity to go back to school and prepare yourself to be financially independent. I have said this many times before: No one's future is guaranteed. If something should happen to your husband, you may need to be the breadwinner. So be prepared.
Jeanne Phillips
Do not back off on child support
Mar 12, 2004
You are not being unreasonable, but you are being either stupid or hopelessly and wilfully naive - probably both. You also have the backbone of a jellyfish. You say you have been married for 8 years, and every 2 years he decided he doesn't want family life. It doesn't take a genius to calculate that he has left you at least 4 times, so far, and left you without support. You may love this deadbeat, but accept the fact that he does not love you, and he does not love his children. Or rather, he loves his money more, and knows just how to rattle your chain and keep you in line.
The time has come to change the rules. Carl controls you with money because you decided that the only thing you wanted to be was a mommy. Your choice, and it was a bad one. Now is the time to make up for lost time, because honey, you aren't getting any younger and neither are your kids. You have only a high school education - do something about that. Do not back down about child support, and while you are at it, file for spousal support too, while you are in school. Be prepared for a fight, because Carl has proven that he is not going to live up to his responsibilities willingly and you will probably have to chase him down for every dime.
One other thing, some guy that has left you four times has proven that once the going gets tough, he gets going. You need to develop some backbone and learn to stand on your own two feet. The time has come to give Carl the gate. If you choose to back down, it's Bed. Made. Lie. because you have the power to change this situation.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/