Message ID: c3hnod$28frnr$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I've met a wonderful man, and we plan to marry. The only issue is children. I want them, but he doesn't.
He is 10 years from retirement and wants to retire on schedule and live quietly -- without the worry of children. I don't know how to balance his feelings and wishes against my own. I have always wanted children. What should we do?
-- Almost Perfectly Happy
Dear Almost:
Get thee to premarital counseling. The issue of children isn't a small matter -- in some ways, it's the only matter. Please don't tell yourself that you might persuade him to have children, post-marriage. And please don't ignore your own lifelong urge.
One person desperate for children married to a person who doesn't want children isn't a balanced equation -- it's a recipe for unhappiness.
There are so many ways to have children in your life other than to give birth to them, through volunteer work, teaching or being the world's greatest Auntie; I hope you'll consider whether these other meaningful relationships might be fulfilling enough for you.
Amy Dickenson
Mar 20, 2004
Let's make this simple:
You want children. He does not. Children should come into a relationship where they are wanted by both parents. Therefore, children should not come into this relationship.
However, this logic is often lost on a lot of people.
The man you wish to marry is 10 years from retirement - which means he could be anywhere from 45 - 55 years old, give or take a few years. He has planned his life without children. He wishes neither the expense or the responsbility of raising children. He probably realizes that besides his lack of desire to parent, he will not be able to retire if he has children. I hope he has the foresight to get a vasectomy, and soon.
You have to realize something here - you have met a man you love and want to marry. You want children and he doesen't. There really isn't any compromising on having children, you either have them or you don't - there is no such thing as a "time share". Remember there are no guarantees in this life - you may be unable to have children, you may never find another relationship this good with someone who wants children as you do. You have a choice - celebrate the joy in this relationship that you do have, with someone you do love without children, or move on.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/