Message ID: c3n62q$29lsdu$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I am one of five children. Ten years ago, when my father lost his job, my husband and I bought my parents a condo nearby and began paying their mortgage.
I asked my siblings to help out, and the answer was, "No, Dad needs to find employment." My brothers and sisters have never helped in any way.
Now, my father is ill and in the hospital. My husband and I needed to be out of town, and we called one of my sisters to ask if she could fly down and hold Mom's hand. We offered to pay for the plane ticket. My sister said they would be visiting in a couple of months and the answer was "no." We got into a fight over it. The next day, when I called my mother to check on Dad's condition, she yelled at me. She said I am causing problems with the family and the fighting is my fault.
I cried for two days. I then realized that I am happiest when I don't have any contact with my siblings. I have decided to stop expecting anything from them, and I will no longer stay in touch. Unfortunately, my mother is still angry with me. She has not called to let me know how my father is.
I am tired of being treated like dirt by my family. I know it is rotten of me to say, but I don't want to pay my parents' expenses anymore. I cannot believe my mother sided with my siblings, and I am terribly hurt. Am I being unfair? I need someone to tell me if I'm nuts for wanting out.
-- Crushed in the South
Dear Crushed:
You aren't nuts. You feel rejected by the people who are supposed to love you. However, cutting yourself off from your parents as well as your siblings is not likely to make you feel better. You've been a caring and helpful daughter. Please don't ruin your record now.
In your mother's mind, every time you talk to one of your siblings, she gets an earful. She has a sick husband and cannot cope with the strain of all this family squabbling. Call Mom, and tell her there will be no more fighting. Don't blackmail her by withholding the mortgage payments, but do ask her, gently, how involved she wants you to be when it comes to her finances. That will make things more clear.
Annie’s Mailbox
April 19, 2003
With the utmost respect to my esteemed counterpart, your mother needs a kick in the ass, and a wake-up call in the extreme. Your mother seems to have not only forgotten upon which side her bread is buttered, but who was doing the buttering. You deserve an apology. Now.
Yes, you have been a caring and helpful daughter, but it certainly hasn't garnered you any respect - or gratitude, for that matter. What my esteemed counterpart has failed to recognize is that, from your letter, this has been and ongoing pattern of behavior: Your mother has been playing favourites and you have been a doormat. It is about time that you laid it on the line with your mother that you, and you alone have been footing their bills for 10 years. That you have supported her financially and emotionally during your father's illness, not your siblings. Tell her that since she feels that you have been causing trouble in the family, you will be more than pleased not to further burden her and your siblings. Furthermore, that since your beloved siblings care so much about their parents that they turned down an all-expense paid trip to be with her, you are sure that they will rush in to support her and pay her mortgage.
Then watch her backpedal. Her actions will decide yours. If you don't get some respect in this relationship, it is pointless to maintain it.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/